A – Angelo Scola. Once again proving that you really can bet on anything, 5Dimes has released odds on who will be named the next Pope. Some of the favorites include Peter Turkson (+250), Marc Ouellet (+275) and Francis Arizne (+450), while Angelo Scola appears to have excellent value at +400. The longshot is Claudio Hummes, who at +2500 makes you wonder if he is even Catholic.
B – Bob Costas. Noted gun-unenthusiast Bob Costas will not have to worry about gang warfare in his new neighborhood. The NBC commentator just bought a $4.7 million piece of real estate in Newport Beach, California,
C – Clark Kellogg. In one of the more graphic color analysis you will hear, Clark Kellogg said of Indiana’s Victor Oladipo, “Like a baby’s bottom, smooth and sometimes explosive.”
D – Debbe Dunning. Debbe Dunning, aka Heidi from Tool Time, punched Mike Piazza after he dumped her. Piazza revealed this in his memoirs, he said of Dunning, “There was screaming and crying and then the Tool Time girl waffled my ass. I hadn’t taken a punch like that in a long time.”
E – Ex-girlfriend. Larry Bird’s son Connor Bird was arrested this week after he tried to hit his ex-girlfriend with his car twice after getting into an argument with her. Luckily Connor’s aim is nothing like his old man - he missed her both times.
F – Francisco Liriano. Newly acquired Pirates pitcher Francisco Liriano completed his Pirates initiation by injuring himself like only a Pittsburgh Pirate can. Liriano broke his non-throwing arm in December by slamming himself into a door while trying to scare his kids. Yeah, he’ll fit right in.
G – Golden State. Adidas and the Golden State Warriors are unveiling horrific looking new uniforms that feature form-fitting short-sleeve jerseys and pinstripe shorts. The jerseys are named “adizero,” likely named after how many people will buy replicas.
H – High. According to Jay Williams, the 2002-03 Chicago Bulls team would smoke weed before games, get horny and get the munchies during games and then gamble on the plane after games. Williams told the New York Times that players were on the bench, “trying to kick it to girls in the stands” and asking “Do you smell popcorn?” He even told of entertainment on postgame flights: “They’re playing dice in the back of the plane for money. Like, we just lost by 30 tonight!” This makes perfect sense considering some of his teammates that year were Jalen Rose, Donyell Marshall, Marcus Fizer, Eddy Curry, Jamal Crawford and Tyson Chandler.
I – International Olympic Committee. The IOC executive board has voted to drop wrestling from the 2020 Summer Olympic Games, officially dashing the gold medal hopes of Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Koko B. Ware, Doink the Clown and Disco Inferno.
J – Jacksonville Jaguars. The NFL season is months away, but it is never too early to rule the Jacksonville Jaguars out as a potential Super Bowl contender. Bovada has the Jaguars listed at 150/1, the worst odds on the site, to win Super Bowl XLVIII. The Raiders and Bills clock in at 100/1.
K – Kevin Garnett. Kevin Garnett rang in Black History Month this week by dropping an N-bomb during a game against Denver. The N-bomb was picked up on the local CSN broadcast of the game. Garnett blocked a shot by Kenneth Faried and exclaimed, “Get that shit outta here, nigga.”
L – Legs. Hulk Hogan decided to tweet out a picture of his surgically mangled legs for no apparent reason. His legs look like a bloated pleather sectional couch that someone took a machete to and then left out in the sun for 100 years.
M – Mike Bibby. Mike Bibby was ejected from a recent basketball game. How could this be you ask. Didn’t he retire a few years ago? Well yes, but Bibby, now living in Arizona, was ejected from his son’s basketball game after arguing with the referees. He was ultimately escorted out of the gym by Scottsdale police.
N – Notre Dame/Louisville. Thanks to Louisville’s Russ Smith, the Notre Dame/Louisville Saturday night showdown lasted until Sunday morning. Smith missed potential game-winning shots at the end of the first overtime, second overtime, third overtime and fourth overtime. Smith even had the ball and the end of the fifth overtime with his team down three, but this time he didn’t miss a shot; he lost the ball before he could do that.
O – Osama Bin Laden. The unidentified Navy SEAL who shot and killed Osama Bin Laden is a Redskins fan. That revelation, among a million other things, came out in a recent interview in “Esquire”. Thankfully, the Navy SEAL has better aim than his favorite quarterback.
P – Pat Riley. Former coach and current Miami Heat president Pat Riley sold his Mediterranean-style mansion in Gables Estates in Florida for $16.8 million last year. Riley’s home featured a theatre, wine cellar and huge pool complete with waterfalls and swim-up bar. But turns out the buyer, someone who makes more than an NBA team president, was not interested in Riley’s hand-me-down mansion and instead they will be tearing it down.
Q – Quarterbacks. The 2013-14 Heisman Trophy odds are out, and to no surprise, the favorites are littered with quarterbacks. Reigning Heisman Trophy winner, Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel is the favorite at 4/1 ahead of Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller (7/1), Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron (10/1) and Georgia quarterback Aaron Murray (10/1). The best odds for a non-quarterback belong to USC wide receiver Marquis Lee (9/1).
R – Raiders. In the ever-growing popular NFL, the Oakland Raiders continue to move in the opposite direction. As plans are underway around the league to build new stadiums or expand capacity, the Raiders are bucking that trend by blocking off close to 10,000 seats for next season. Yes, that is 10,000 with four zeroes. The reduced capacity will make it easier for Oakland to sell 85 percent of its tickets so its games are not blacked out.
S – Snacks. Four Alabama football players were arrested this week after assaulting and robbing two students. In two separate incidents, Brent Calloway, Eddie Williams, D.J. Pettway and Tyler Hayes allegedly hit students in the head and stole belongings, including a credit card. What kind of lavish spending spree did the football players go on with the stolen credit? According to the Tuscaloosa News, the players used the stolen credit card to purchase snacks from a campus vending machine.
T – TV Contract. The Big East Conference can now officially be called a mid-major. It is negotiating a TV rights deal with NBC Sports Network (the same network that brings us hockey) for $20-23 million per year. Those figures are not per team, but rather for the entire 11- or 12-team conference. After taxes that probably comes out to like $7 per team.
U – Upton, Kate. Kate Upton and her giant tits are back on the cover of the “SI Swimsuit Issue” for the second consecutive year.
V – Vick, Michael. Michael Vick has signed a one-year deal that could be worth as much as $10 million with the Philadelphia Eagles. The one-year deal likely signifies how long the Eagles expect Vick to survive in the NFL trying to run Chip Kelly’s “high-octane” offense that requires the quarterback to get hit just about every play.
W – Woody Hayes. According to a recent Urban Meyer speech, former Ohio State coach Woody Hayes once pulled out a turtle and then pulled out his junk in front of his team and allowed the turtle to bite his penis to show toughness. “He unzips his pants and takes out whatever he takes out,” Meyer recounted. “The turtle reaches up and snaps at him. You see the veins and the sweat. He screams at the coaches, ‘That’s toughness! That’s f’n toughness!’”
X – XVI, Pope Benedict. The Internet was awash with terrible Pope jokes after Pope Benedict XVI decided to do something many people didn’t think was even an option: resign. The awful jokes making the rounds included people hinting he was either giving up the papacy for Lent, resigning based on the Manti Te’o scandal at Notre Dame, or being replaced by Ray Lewis.
Y – Yankees. Ralph Lauren model Hannah Davis is the latest babe to be getting plowed by Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. Davis and Jeter are apparently a couple, which means the 22-year old Davis should be in line to receive a gift basket of Derek Jeter memorabilia. And what girl wouldn’t want that? News broke last summer that every girl that Jeter closes, he showers with a gift basket with a signed Derek Jeter baseball
Z – “Zero Dark Thirty”. “Zero Dark Thirty,” once thought to be a legitimate candidate to win an Academy Award for Best Picture is quickly fading according to the oddsmakers. “Zero Dark Thirty” is now listed at 50/1 to win Best Picture behind “Argo” (1/5), “Lincoln” (4/1), “Silver Linings Playbook” (33/1) and “Les Miserables” (40/1). “Zero Dark Thirty’s” best shot at a major award appears to be in the Best Actress category, where Bovada has Jessica Chastain listed at 11/4 behind only Jennifer Lawrence in “Silver Linings Playbook” (10/19).