A – AJ McCarron’s girlfriend. Brent Musburger, the ESPN announcer most famous for his not-so discreet gambling innuendos, made most of America aware of his not-so discreet boner for Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron’s girlfriend, Katherine Webb. Musburger sounded like a dirty old man talking about Webb during the National Championship Game.
B – Back-to-Back-to-Back. Bovada has Alabama listed as a 4/1 favorite to win its third consecutive BCS National Championship. Ohio State and Oregon are next in line at 17/2 ahead of Texas A&M at 10/1.
C – Cornball Brother. ESPN has not renewed the contract of African-American blowhard Rob Parker. Undoubtedly, Parker’s waterloo was his famous question about Robert Griffin III that nobody on earth wanted to know but him, “My question,” Parker said on live television, “which is just a straight honest question – is he a brother or is he a cornball brother?”
D – Detained. In a possible effort to prevent the return of hockey, one brave US border patrol agent handcuffed and detained Oilers winger Ryan Jones. Jones was held at the US-Canada border after customs officers thought he was another Ryan Jones who has a warrant out for his arrest. Even near Canada they don’t know who the hell Ryan Jones is.
E – Early line. Bovada has posted an early Super Bowl point spread. The AFC is a 2.5-point favorite juiced at -135 against the NFC.
F – Filth. While playing in Europe during the NHL lockout, Boston Bruins Tyler Seguin lived in filth, according to poor cleaning ladies working at his apartment complex. The paper reported his place was littered with Coke bottles, garbage and dirty clothes, while rotten bananas were left on tables. The best part was Seguin, unversed in the art of household appliances, actually tried washing his clothes in the dryer. He was also unable to figure out the dishwasher, so after he ran out of clean plates he reverted to plastic tableware.
G – General Manager. There was no hockey for nine months, but with nine days until the start of the NHL season, the Toronto Maple Leafs fired general manager Brian Burke.
H – Hookers. The Association of Prostitution in Brazil is offering free English classes to Brazilian hookers in advance of the 2014 World Cup. In Portuguese-speaking Brazil, hookers will likely need both a Portuguese-English dictionary and access to urbandictionary.com. How do you say hot carl, donkey punch, dirty Sanchez, rusty trombone, Alabama hot pocket, Cleveland steamer and blumpkin in Portuguese?
I – Irish. The Philadelphia Eagles were so impressed with Notre Dame’s blowout loss in the BCS National Championship Game that they interviewed Fighting Irish coach Brian Kelly one day later for their head coaching job.
J – Johnny Boychuk. The NHL Lockout nearly killed Bruins defenseman Johnny Boychuk. During the lockout, Boychuk went overseas to Austria to play for EC Red Bull Salzburg. Apparently, the team loves its sponsor so much, it offers nothing to drink but Red Bull. No water or sports drinks were available in the locker room, just pure heart-pumping Red Bull, which I imagine goes really well for dehydrated athletes exerting themselves in a shit load of equipment on their bodies.
K – Kobe. After a 103-99 loss to the Philadelphia 76ers, Kobe Bryant was asked how the Lakers could lose to such an awful team, Bryant explained, “Cause we’re old as shit.”
L – Lubomir Visnovsky. NHL veteran defensemen Lubomir Visnovsky was so excited for the end of the NHL Lockout that he refuses to come back to play in the NHL. Now playing in Slovakia, Visnovsky says he would rather stay there and take a multi-million dollar pay cut than play for the New York Islanders.
M – Moneyline. Bettors who took Notre Dame to win the National Championship before the season thought they were sitting pretty with a 35/1 ticket heading into the title game on Monday night. Hopefully those bettors hedged, because by the second quarter the Irish were 40/1 to win the game. It got worse, at one point in the fourth quarter, 5Dimes hung a 110/1 moneyline on Notre Dame.
N – NFL Favorites. The 2012 NFL bookie bloodbath continued into 2013 and the postseason as all four underdogs easily covered on Saturday and Sunday. Not even a home dog in Washington could protect a 14-0 lead and bust up some four-team parlays. This was the first time in wildcard round history that all four favorites covered.
O – Ovi. Alex Ovechkin went from locked out to locked up as the 27-year old got engaged to Russian tennis pro Maria Kirilenko, the 14th ranked women’s tennis player in the world. The couple is likely to mate and produce the greatest Russian athlete since Ivan Drago.
P – Pitt. Georgetown suffered its worst Big East Conference loss Tuesday night after 73-45 loss to Pitt. The loss was even worse for all the Georgetown backers who unloaded on the Hoyas at anywhere from -3 to +1, and then once their team was getting blown out at halftime, tried doubling down at -3.5 for the second half line. (Georgetown was outscored 36-23 in the second half)
Q- Questionable. Robert Griffin III has a tear in the ACL and LCL in his right knee, according to Dr. James Andrews. Good thing Washington lost to Seattle on Sunday, or Redskins coach Mike Shanahan would have Griffin III listed as questionable for this week.
R – Rolando McClain. About the only thing that went wrong for the Crimson Tide this week was when alumni Rolando McClain, a current Oakland Raider, was pulled over for a window tint violation by Decatur Police. When McClain rolled down his window, he must have thought the tint still applied and cops did not recognize him so he gave them a fake name, Fuck Y’All. He even signed the traffic citation, Fuck Y’All. Police immediately took him into custody.
S – Sportsbooks. According to the Nevada Gaming Control Board, Nevada sportsbooks lost $5.29 million to bettors on NFL and college football during the month.
T – Towel. On Tuesday night against the Rockets, Lakers guard Steve Nash handed out 10 assists, including his 10,000th career assist. He also wiped both his armpits with a towel and handed that to Metta World Peace, who immediately wiped his face with it, all of which was captured on live television.
U – Upton, Kate. Big-boobed bombshell Kate Upton piled on Notre Dame late Monday night after the BCS bloodbath with this tweet, “It’s okay Notre Dame this happened to the Jets every week.” At least for the Irish there was no butt fumble.
V – Voting. The fact that nobody was voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame this year is just one of many voting travesties that have come to light in recent days. Somebody got a hold of Jill Painter’s ballot, and it is a sight to behold. The Los Angeles Daily News writer voted for Craig Biggio and Don Mattingly, fair enough, but she also voted for Kenny Lofton, Bernie Williams and Shawn Green. And then there is the one vote for pitcher Aaron Sele. As of Thursday no voter has come forward and admitted voting for Sele yet.
W – Webb, Katherine. Paul Bissonnette, the only hockey player non-hockey fans know, was recently doing what everyone else has been doing, talking about AJ McCarron’s girlfriend, Katherine Webb. Bissonnette said, “I started following her friends and stuff. (we think he means on Twitter, well we hope). “I went full creep mode on her.”
X – XLVII. Heading into the NFL Playoff Divisional Round, Bovada has updated Super Bowl odds. Denver is the favorite at 11/4 just ahead of New England (7/2) and Green Bay and San Francisco who are both listed at 6/1. Atlanta and Seattle, who face each other in the Divisional Round, are both 7/1. Vegas is giving little chance to either Baltimore or Houston, who are both listed at 18/1.
Y – Yu Darvish. For some reason, Texas Rangers pitcher Yu Darvish is getting a museum built in Kobe, the fifth-largest city in Japan. They must just be giving out museums nowadays, Darvish was 16-10 with a 3.90 ERA in his first MLB season last year while losing his only playoff start.
Z – Zero. The amount of people who give a shit hockey is returning in roughly 45 states, according to an ESPN Sports Nation poll.