A – Appropriate. Colorado has legalized marijuana. The Denver Nuggets now have the most appropriate team name. The state of Washington also legalized marijuana. The Seattle SuperSonics are now going to move back to the state and be renamed the SuperChronics.
B – Ben-Gals. Sarah Jones, the 27-year old former Cincinnati Ben-Gals cheerleader and high school teacher who was fired from both jobs for having an affair with a student, a 17-year old boy, is getting a reality show. See, the story does have a happy ending.
C – Colin Klein. Kansas State quarterback Colin Klein did not kiss his wife until his wedding day. He revealed this on the Jim Rome show this week. Klein took a vow when he was 14 years old that he would not kiss until he was married. What a lucky guy, he’s been banging girls all these years and never had to kiss them.
D – DeMar DeRozan. The Toronto Raptors, the franchise who brought us the Hedo Turkoglu’s five-year $53 million deal, recently inked DeMar DeRozan to a four-year $40 million just moments before its season opener. DeRozan responded by going out and shooting 5-of-14 from the field and scoring 10 total points in Toronto’s home loss to Indiana.
E – ESPN. ABC is looking into a potential sitcom based on the life of “SportsCenter” anchor Sage Steele (the African-American skinny one with curly hair). ABC is likely targeting Steele because Erin Andrews was not available.
F – Falcons. The Atlanta Falcons are 8-0; consider the oddsmakers not impressed. The Falcons are only a one-point favorite this week at 3-5 New Orleans. Their season win total is only 13 on 5Dimes. Their odds of going 16-0 are +1250, and most damning of all, their Super Bowl XLVII odds are +800, behind four other teams, including NFC teams the 49ers and Packers.
G – Geno Smith. Last year we had “Suck for Luck,” this year we have “Lose like you’re at a casino for Geno.” With the Cleveland Browns somehow having reached two wins, the race for the No. 1 overall draft pick, presumably West Virginia quarterback Geno Smith, appears to be a dead heat between Kansas City (1-7) and Jacksonville (1-7). According to NFL season win totals on 5Dimes, the Chiefs have the inside track to a new quarterback. Their adjusted season win total is now 3.0 while the Jaguars total is 3.5.
H – Hillary. Karl Rove's tears were barely dry and odds were already out on the 2016 US Presidential Election. Bovada has the Democratic Party (-130) listed as a slight favorite over the Republican Party (-110). Individually, Hilary Clinton is the favorite in 2016 at 5/2 just ahead of Florida's Republican Governor Jeb Bush (6/1). The current Vice President is 8/1 (for the love of God no). Other notable names are Andrew Cuomo (9/1), Marco Rubio (10/1), Chris Christie (20/1), Paul Ryan (20/1), Rahm Emmanuel (20/1), Sarah Palin (50/1), Herman Cain (100/1) and Michelle Obama (100/1).
I – Indiana. If you hate Big Ten football, cheer for Indiana this week. Indiana, a seven-point underdog at home against Wisconsin, could find itself in the driver seat in the inappropriately named Leaders Division. Ohio State and Penn State are both one-loss teams in the division but also both ineligible for entirely different reasons. That leaves Wisconsin (3-2) and Indiana (2-3) to fight for the right to be slaughtered by the Legends Division winner. Better yet, cheer for Indiana to beat Wisconsin and then somehow beat Nebraska or Michigan in the Big Ten Championship Game just to set up an awesome Rose Bowl between the Hoosiers and Oregon.
J – Jacksonville. What happens when you take the best college team and put it against the worst pro team? Well, according to Las Vegas oddsmakers, if the Jacksonville Jaguars played the University of Alabama, the spread would be 24. I know the Jaguars are bad, but I feel like 24 points is too much to be giving them (tongue firmly planted in cheek).
K – Kentucky. John Calipari has another batch of blue chip one-and-done recruits and he has Kentucky at the top of the heap in Las Vegas to win the 2013 National Championship. Kentucky is listed at +500 on 5Dimes to repeat as champions, ahead of Indiana (+600), Louisville (+750) and N.C. State (+800).
L – Lakers. The Lakers have lost 15 of their last 16 games. Including their last two playoff games last season (0-2), their preseason (0-8) and their first five games of the 2012 regular season (1-4), the Lakers are doing their best Clippers impersonation.
M – Marathon. The College Basketball season is set to tip off Tuesday Nov. 13 with 24 hours of consecutive basketball. This is perfect for insomniacs, gamblers and gambling insomniacs. The action kicks off with an NCAA Tournament rematch between West Virginia and Gonzaga at Midnight Eastern Time. Davidson plays at New Mexico at 2 a.m. with Houston Baptist visiting Hawaii at 4 a.m. The action moves to the east coast at 6 a.m. when Rider hosts Stony Brook. The highlights of the degenerate gambling marathon are Butler at Xavier at 4 p.m., Michigan State vs. Kansas at 7 p.m. and Duke vs. Kentucky at 9:30 p.m.
N – New York Jets backup quarterback. Tim Tebow is dating actress Camilla Belle. The 26-year-old actress is best known for…well, dating Tebow I guess. Her list of movies includes “10,000 BC,” “From Prada to Nada,” “Push,” “When a Stranger Calls” and “Breakaway”. So you could say Belle is to actresses what Tebow is to quarterbacks.
O – Olympic Stadium. London Mayor Boris Johnson is seeking an NFL team to take up residency in Olympic Stadium. The NFL has played six regular-season games in London, all at Wembley Stadium, but the Olympic Stadium will reopen in 2014 and it is looking for a tenant. London better be careful what it wishes for, because the most likely team to relocate across the pond is the awful Jacksonville Jaguars. Because the US likes to keep the good stuff and export shit, the Jaguars have an agreement to play one “home” game in London for four consecutive seasons beginning in 2013.
P – Paulina Gretzky. Halloween was the gift that kept on giving this year thanks to Paulina “the real great one” Gretzky. Paulina attended multiple Halloween parties, and wearing the same costume was never an option. She wore a black onesie to dress as a cop, a black bustier with thigh highs to be a circus lion tamer, pretty much nothing to be a biker, a giant mouse head to be DJ Deadmau5, and she donned a neon blue wig and fluffy lingerie while sucking on a lollipop and god knows what else to be Katy Perry.
Q – Quebec. UFC 154 is next Saturday in Montreal, Quebec, and it has major implications for the UFC. The event marks the return of UFC Welterweight champion Georges St-Pierre to the octagon after a year and a half absence due to a torn ACL. St-Pierre is a –345 favorite versus challenger Carlos Condit (+285). The fight is a huge deal for UFC, because a St-Pierre win would set up a dream match with UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva, who will attend the event and perhaps challenge St-Pierre afterwards if he were to win. Silva has never lost a UFC fight, and St-Pierre has not lost since 207. Unlike boxing, the fights that everyone wants to see generally happen in the UFC.
R – Rex Ryan. New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan, the most overweight coach in the NFL, was also voted most overrated coach in the NFL in a Sporting News poll of 103 players. Ryan finished with 35 votes, well ahead of Bill Belichick who had 16. Ryan at least had the decency to poke fun at it saying he was happy to have finally beaten Belichick. Ryan has never beaten the Patriots in the regular season.
S – Soccer. The MLS switched the home legs of the New York Red Bulls/D.C. United Cup Final to avoid Superstorm Sandy. They played first in D.C. and this week they returned to New York, where it snowed like hell and forced the postponement of the game from Wednesday to Thursday. Stuff like this can only happen in the MLS.
T – Taco Bell. Angel Pagan stole a base and gave millions of Americans a free taco thanks to a promotion by Taco Bell. To thank the fast food chain, Pagan worked the drive thru at a Taco Bell. This is no way related to half the Detroit Tigers bullpen, who are now working Taco Bell drive thrus out of necessity.
U – US Women. In the biggest boost ever to US women’s Olympic sports, national team soccer players Alex Morgan and Sydney Leroux donned leotards to dress up as US gymnasts McKayla Maroney and Gabby Douglas. In case you’re a normal male and do not watch women “sports,” Morgan and Leroux are the two hot ones on the US women’s soccer team.
V – Valuable. The Most Valuable Player award in the NFL doesn’t have a cool name or statue like the Heisman, so nobody talks about it 24/7, but it still exists. Bovada currently has Peyton Manning listed as the favorite at 2/1 to win the 2012 NFL MVP, ahead of Matt Ryan (3/1), Tom Brady (6/1), Aaron Rodgers (7/1), Eli Manning (12/1) and the highest-rated non-quarterback, Arian Foster (15/1).
W – West Virginia. West Virginia has managed to cover posted totals of 67.5, 82.5, 73 and 69 this season. Oklahoma State has covered posted totals of 70, 73, 63.5 and 68. This Saturday when the Mountaineers visit Stillwater, the oddsmakers have thrown a total of 79 out there, the second highest of this football season, behind only the West Virginia/Baylor total of 82.5.
X – XLVII. Through nine weeks of football, the Houston Texans remain the favorite to win Super Bowl XLVII. The Texans future Super Bowl odds are +525 on 5Dimes, ahead of New England (+575), San Francisco (+675), Green Bay (+775), undefeated Atlanta (+800) and Denver (+850). In case you were wondering, the Chiefs and Jaguars are both listed at +200,000 to win the Super Bowl.
Y – Yankees. Even with half of the Northeast under water, the NBA on TNT regular-season debut game featuring the Celtics and Heat, managed to garner 5.3 million viewers. For comparison sake, that was more than the 5.2 million viewers who watched Game 4 of the ALDS between the Yankees and Orioles, back when the only people without power were those delinquent to the power companies.
Z – Zero chance. Michael Vick texted ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio saying he was “Ready to make a playoff run.” The NFL should immediately order the Philadelphia quarterback to undergo tests for a head injury.