A – Apathetic. The Jay Cutler is smoking Tumblr is slowly taking over the Internet. The site is a compilation of pictures of Cutler, who the site calls the most apathetic looking athlete in the history of sports, with a cigarette photoshopped in his mouth. At first glance it looks like Cutler is really smoking a cigarette. That is how much it looks like he doesn’t give a shit. Cutler is to quarterbacks what Jim Caldwell and Art Shell were to coaches.
B – Blowjob. Fans that stayed up into the middle of the night to watch the rain-delayed Cubs/Pirates game on Monday were treated to a fan impersonating a blowjob on live television for an entire minute. The guy, who knew way too much about how to give a blowjob, was seated in the front row right behind home plate and the Comcast Sports Net cameras inadvertently kept on him until an usher finally kicked him out. The BJ faces are pretty graphic and pretty hilarious.
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C – Catcher. The Milwaukee Brewers somehow went a perfect seven-for-seven in stolen bases against the sad-sack Pittsburgh Pirates on Tuesday night. The Pirates even changed catchers after Rod Barajas failed to throw out any of the first six, but Michael McKenry also failed when Milwaukee ran on him. It makes you wonder if Barajas, the slow overweight journeyman player, could steal a base on himself.
D – D.C. Angela Rypien, the quarterback for the Baltimore Charm (that is in the Lingerie Football League for those not in the know), is apparently dating Washington Nationals pitcher Gio Gonzalez. Rypien is the younger daughter of former Washington Redskins Super Bowl MPV Mark Rypien. Daniel Snyder will probably buy the movie rights to this.
E – Erin Andrews. As students rushed the field to celebrate Stanford’s 21-14 upset of USC on Saturday, Fox studio host Erin Andrews began to yell, “Nobody is going to class tomorrow morning. Smart kids at Stanford, they’re not going to class!” Hopefully the kids at Stanford were smart enough to realize tomorrow morning was Sunday and there was no class.
F – Fan Fights. Week 2 of the NFL regular season saw a few solid fan fights make their way to YouTube. The most notable fights were one involving a Seattle and Dallas fan in the parking lot. The Seattle fan was wearing a custom jersey with the last name “Fan.” Another good fight was a three-minute marathon in the upper deck of Ralph Wilson Stadium between two Bills fans. But none of the Week 2 fights can compared to the Oakland Raider bathroom brawl from Week 1.
G – Gronkowski. Porn star Britney Maclin (aka Bibi Jones) tweeted a picture of herself and Rob Gronkowski following New England’s shocking loss to Arizona. Last year pictures found their way to the Internet of a shirtless Gronkowski with Maclin, who was wearing a Gronkowski jersey. Thankfully, this time around Gronkowski was shockingly wearing a shirt and Maclin was fortunately not.
H – Hockey. The NHL is officially in a lockout, so Best Buy and GameStop can expect an influx of applications from bored hockey fans with a lot of free time on their hands.
I - Ireland, Jeff. A Miami Dolphin fan approached Miami Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland at the Dolphins-Raiders Week 2 game. The fan told Ireland he should fire himself, Ireland responded by patting the fan on the back telling him “Good suggestion, asshole.” This led to drunken Miami fans chanting Fireland.
J – Jeremy Lin. Perhaps in an attempt to recapture some of the magic from last season after he slept on a teammate’s couch in New York, Jeremy Lin asked his new teammate in Houston Chandler Parson if he could couch surf at his place while Lin waited on his couches to arrive. Lin is only making $25 million over three years, so he had likely nowhere else to turn than Parson’s couch.
K – Kiffin, Lane. Much like his team on Saturday, USC coach Lane Kiffin called it quits early during his Wednesday post-game press conference. The press conference lasted all of 28 seconds after Kiffin stormed off when someone asked him a player’s practice status.
L – LeSean McCoy. It’s good to see the replacement referees in the NFL are just like normal NFL fans. At Philadelphia’s Week 2 game against Baltimore, Eagles running back LeSean McCoy claims a scab ref encouraged him during pregame warm-ups because the fan, I mean the ref, was starting him in fantasy football.
M – Michael Turner. Michael Turner wasted no time celebrating his 42-yard game on “Monday Night Football”. After the Atlanta/Denver game wrapped up around 12:30 a.m. eastern time, Turner somehow found a way to shower, get dressed, talk with media, get out of the stadium and get arrested by 5 a.m. Turner was picked up for a DUI and speeding and booked just after 5 a.m. Some quick math tells that Turner either starting hitting the sauce in the locker room or that it wasn’t Gatorade he was drinking in the second half.
N – New York Yankees. A couple went at it in Yankees Stadium for about three innings in a stall in the men’s room. Between the second and fifth inning near section 236, a couple was spotted and even photographed and videotaped fornicating in a stall. The inebriated couple kept going to town on each other until someone yelled, “make that bitch scream” according to eye-witness accounts. The girl received a slow-clap applause on her walk of shame out of the bathroom. The guy was skinny and white and wearing a CC Sabathia jersey. So much irony.
O – Ole Miss. A streaker got onto the field during the Ole Miss/Texas game on Saturday. Wearing boxes, the streaker rushed from the far sideline to the 25-yard line in front of the student section and exposed himself on top of the SEC logo. He then began running for his life until two security guards blew his naked ass up as the crowd roared. Unfortunately, that was the highlight for the Rebel fans as Texas rolled, 66-31.
P – Presidential Election. Mitt Romney’s now infamous 47 percent comment has shifted the odds drastically for the 2012 US Presidential Election. On Bovada the Democratic Party is now favored -325 to win the election, up from -225 a week ago. The Republican Party is a +250 underdog.
Q – Quarterback. Nearly all the preseason Heisman Trophy favorites have fallen by the wayside and now 5Dimes has chosen its front-runner, West Virginia University quarterback Geno Smith. You can wager on Geno Smith to win the Heisman (+250) or the “field” to win the Heisman (-350). Those are incredible odds since Smith has played only Marshall and James Madison.
S – Shakira. Her hips don’t lie; belly dancer Shakira now has a baby belly. The father is Gerald Pique, a defender for FC Barcelona. Shakira is 35, Pique is 25. That means Pique was 14 years old when Shakira’s “Whenever, Wherever” came out.
T – Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow has not ruled out running for political office. Apparently he hasn’t ruled out being a starting quarterback in the NFL, either. But if Tebow were to run for office someday, ESPN would dedicate so much coverage to the election, it would have to create a new channel, ESPCNN.
U – Underdogs. No. 1-ranked Alabama is 3-0 and coming off of a National Championship. Unranked Florida Atlantic is 1-2 and coming off a 1-11 season. Alabama is favored by 49.5 on 5Dimes. Nobody told this to Florida Atlantic defensive end Cory Henry, who said “They ain’t what people think. We got speed against them. You got speed you can win.” Florida Atlantic will get paid $1 million to play in the game. You too can also make $1 million. Florida Atlantic is +80,000 on the moneyline. If you risk a cool $1,250 on the Owls, it will pay out $1,000,000.
V – Vince Young. Vince Young has somehow blown through his $25.7 million that was guaranteed to him when he signed his rookie contract. His agent said the quarterback needs a job. It’s only a matter of time until Young’s Heisman Trophy is on the auction block. Young is suing former agents and financial players and basically everyone besides the replacement refs. Good thing he scored so high on his Wonderlic test, he can always get a real job, oh wait…
W – World Cup. The official mascot of the World Cup 2014 in Brazil will be an armadillo, further proving it doesn’t matter who is running the World Cup, it will still be the world’s most popular sporting event.
X – XLVII Super Bowl. Next time someone says there is so much parity in the NFL, present to them the Cleveland Browns. After only two games the Browns are already considered a +65,000 long shot to win Super Bowl XLVII on 5Dimes. At even longer odds, the Browns are +880,000 to play the Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl. And the Cardinals are 2-0!
Y – Yunel Escobar. Thanks to Toronto Blue Jay Yunel Escobar, all American sports fans know how to say ‘you’re a faggot’ in Spanish. Escobar thought it would be hilarious if his eye black during a game read “Tu Ere Maricon.” It was kind of like when Tim Tebow put bible verses on his eye black, except Escobar’s translated to ‘you’re a faggot.” The Blue Jays suspended Escobar three games and Escobar simply said it was a joke. Hahahah, get it, you’re a faggot! How clever.
Z – Ozzie Guillen. Leave it to Miami manager Ozzie Guillen to take the Yunel Escobar situation to the next level. Guillen tweeted that in his house he says that word Maricon (aka faggot) every 20 seconds. “I’ve got three kids. For us its like ‘Whats up bro? Whats up dude?’