A – Alabama. John L. Smith has officially fallen off the wagon. And his rocker. The Arkansas coach is now 1-3, and during a recent press conference he mistook Arkansas for Alabama. Smith said, "Don’t give up on us. It's our program, it's a state of Alabama program." Smith probably wishes it was; No. 1 ranked Alabama pasted the Razorbacks 52-0 two weeks ago. With Smith at the helm, Razorback fans are likely razor blade fans right about now.
B – Brooklyn Nets. The Brooklyn Nets have unveiled their cheerleader’s uniforms, and they look a whole lot like the uniforms worn by Brooklyn hookers. Their outfits involve a shit ton of leather, boots, studded fingerless gloves, zippers and latex, naturally. The Brooklynettes (get it) will have seven full costumes, so they’re the Oregon Ducks of cheerleading squads.
C – Call It Maybe. A lyrical poet took advantage of the replacement referee mess in the NFL and remixed “Call Me Maybe.” In the parody named “Call it Maybe,” the lyrics go something like this….”I threw my wish in a well, got a call from Roger Goodell, want to ref the NFL? I said I’m on my way. I trade my soul for a wish, personally thank the commish, am I prepared for this? Who cares, I’m on my way. Coaches said there’s holding, ripped jerseys, skin was showing, missed call, no whistle blowing, which way is the ball going, save me.”
D – Detroit/Tennessee. The Lions/Titans Week 3 game featured 85 total points, the Music City Miracle II, the Motor City Miracle I (aka a Hail Mary pass), an onside kick recovery and overtime in a 44-41 thriller but nobody is talking about it because it didn’t feature enough blunders by the replacement refs.
E – ESPN. ESPN treated the Shitfest in Seattle Monday night as if it was the moon landing. During the late night postgame show, they somehow got John Clayton on set. Clayton had been at the game as a fan. He was wearing a wrinkled Reebok shirt from his childhood, it appeared, but he took the set nonetheless to mock the league openly. It is believed to be the first time Clayton has been spotted in public not in a suit.
F – Fired. A South Carolina policeman was fired a few days after giving a speeding ticket to Clemson coach Dabo Swinney's brother. Dabo Swinney was a passenger at the time. The cop, Michael McClatchy, was fired because he posted details about it on a University of South Carolina message board using company equipment at the odd hour of 3:37 a.m. The vehicle was stopped for doing a 63 in a 35 mph zone on South Carolina 8 in the Pickens city limits. The most disappointing thing about the whole ordeal is that the police report shows that Dabo's real name is not in fact Dabo Swinney, but William Christopher Swinney.
G – GameDay. Thanks to 5Dimes, degenerate college football gamblers can lose money before the games even start! Instead of picking games, 5Dimes has a prop that allows you to wager on who you think SOMEONE ELSE will pick. This week, with College GameDay in East Lansing, Michigan, you can wager on Lee Corso's head gear selection with a Michigan State prediction listed at –210 and Ohio State prediction the underdog at +160.
H – Hat. In perhaps the most replacement ref-esque move of the season thus far, one of the replacement refs in the Dallas/Tampa Bay game threw his hat to signal a player leaving the field of play. The only problem was he threw it in the endzone at the feet of Cowboys wide receiver Kevin Ogletree, who prompted to slip on it and miss the pass that sailed over his head out the back of the end zone. This probably perturbed a lot of fantasy owners who picked Ogletree up during the first half of their season-opening game in New York.
I – Interceptions. JaMarcus Russell and Brett Favre caught wind of Russell Wilson’s walk-off interception on “Monday Night Football”. Upon realizing that interceptions now count as touchdowns, both were heard planning an NFL comeback.
J – Josh Hamilton. The former homeless crackhead/cokehead Josh Hamilton had vision problems recently, and, to the surprise of everyone, the vision issues apparently had nothing to do with a relapse with “booger sugar”. Hamilton's eye doctor said the vision problems were caused by too much caffeine and energy drinks.
K – Kevin McClatchy. Former Major League Baseball franchise owner Kevin McClatchy came out of the closet this weekend and admitted he used to own the Pirates. He also came out of the closet and admitted he was gay. The Pirates struggled under McClatchy’s ownership; you would think he would be better at finding pitchers and catchers.
L – Lingerie Football League. With the NFL down and out after Monday night’s debacle, Lingerie Football League commissioner Mitch Mortaza took the time to kick the league right in the junk. In perhaps the most damning piece of news to come out of the Shitfest in Seattle Monday night, Mortaza took the opportunity Monday to disclose that the LFL parted ways with a number of officials because they were incompetent. And, according to Mortaza, some of those officials are now the replacement officials in the NFL. The players should lobby to have Mortaza overthrow Roger Goodell.
M – Melt Down. The Pittsburgh Pirates were 66-40 on Aug. 2. They were well on their way to clinching a playoff spot and at the very least snapping a North American professional sports record of 19 consecutive losing seasons. After all, no team in MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL HISTORY has ever been 16 or more games over .500 in August and not finished above .500. Well, flash forward to Sept. 26 and the Pirates have somehow found their way under .500. They are 76-78. With eight games remaining they must go 6-2 to have their first winning season in 20 years.
N – NFL. The NFL somehow felt the need to issue a statement Tuesday afternoon regarding the “Monday Night Football” game between Green Bay and Seattle. After a bunch of jargon that made no sense to anyone, the league concluded that “The result of the game is final.” If you need to issue a statement 12 hours after a game ends that the result of a game is final, you know you fucked something up.
O – Obama. The odds of the Republican Party winning the 2012 US Presidential Election are fading faster than the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Republicans, a slight +150 underdog as recently as two months ago, are now +300 on Bovada with the Barack Obama and the Democratic Party listed at –400 to win the 2012 US Presidential Election.
P – President. Since there is nothing else out there to occupy his time and attention, President Barack Obama decided to chime in on the Shitfest in Seattle Monday Night. Obama tweeted, “NFL fans on both sides of the aisle hope the refs’ lockout is settled soon. –bo”
Q – Quarterback. Lost in all the madness Monday night was the performance by Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson, who went 10-of-21 for 130 yards with a quarterback rating of 99.3. Wilson also became the first player in NFL history to throw a game-winning interception.
R – ReplacementGoogle. In the wide vacuum of opportunity that existed all day Tuesday after the Shitfest in Seattle, some genius launched ReplacementGoogle.com. It was basically a Google, fake sponsored by the NFL, that got everything wrong, kind of like the replacement refs. For example when searching for “NFL” you were given search results for Aardvark. When searching for Football you were given search results for Cat Videos. When searching for “What Time is it in Pittsburgh?” you were given search results for Dino Bravo.
S – South Bend. A woman was found by police outside of Notre Dame Stadium with the entire bottom row of her teeth missing. The women claimed she had been hit in the face with a case of Natural Light. And you thought Denard Robinson had a rough Saturday night in South Bend.
T – T.J. Lang. Green Bay Packers offensive lineman T.J. Lang had a Monday night meltdown on Twitter. After the controversial screw job in Seattle. Lang tweeted "Got fucked by the refs..Embarrassing. Thanks nfl" He also added, "Fuck it NFL..Fine me and use the money to pay the regular refs." Lang may have even been tweeting during the first half, because he sure as hell wasn’t blocking, Aaron Rodgers was sacked seven times in the first half and eight times overall. Lang has probably blocked more people on Twitter than he did during the first half.
U – Unemployed. Former NBA player James Posey is unemployed and in need to part with his Miami home. Posey's three-level Mediterranean villa with a view of the Biscayne Bay is listed on the market for $2.2 million. The amenities are not what you would think of for a former baller like Posey, but the place does have its own elevator.
V – Vegas, Las. The mind-boggling decision to award a touchdown to Golden Tate, and, in turn, the game to Seattle on Monday night, caused an estimated $9.2 million swing in Las Vegas as most public squares pounded Green Bay at anywhere from -3 to -4.5. When you take into account offshore sportsbooks and your dad’s local down at the VFW, the figure jumps to around a swing of $150-250 million, which we assume includes some money wagered by the replacement officials working the game.
W – WVU. No. 7 West Virginia makes its Big 12 debut on Saturday at noon in Morgantown against No. 24 Baylor. The game marks the highest college football total of the season. The total opened at 78 and within six minutes it was at 82. The line has since settled at 79.5 at most sportsbooks, including 5Dimes. WVU is a 12.5-point favorite.
X – XLVII. We've played three weeks of football, and the New Orleans Saints still have not won a game. Yet the Saints are listed at 66/1 to win Super Bowl XLVII on Bovada; those are better odds than the Kansas City Chiefs (100/1), the team who just beat them, and the Minnesota Vikings (100/1), a team who is 2-1.
Y – YouTube. Week 3 in the NFL brought us the best batch of fan fights yet this season. The best fight to find its way to YouTube features Bills and Browns fans in a Rust Belt middle-aged melee. Very few things are more entertaining/depressing than Cleveland and Buffalo fans trading haymakers and head butts while desperately trying to catch their breath in the cheap seats at a sparsely-filled Cleveland Browns stadium. In Landover, Maryland, we had some solid Redskin-on-Redskin action as Washington fans teed off on each other in the shadows of FedEx Field after a terrible loss to Cincinnati. The fight features plenty of plumbers crack and Chris Cooley jerseys as well as body slams on other people’s car. The last fight worthy of a mention this week was in Oakland, where an inebriated Steeler fan wearing a Ben Roethlisberger jersey pummeled an even drunker Oakland fan wearing a Jim Plunkett jersey out in the concourse by the bathrooms.
Z – Zebras. The New England Patriots were none too happy with the work of the replacement officials Sunday night in Baltimore. Bill Belichick groped one official as he ran off the field while yelling at him. Brandon Spikes was a bit more humorous in expressing his dismay with the scab refs. Spikes tweeted, "Can someone please tell these fucking zebras foot locker called and they're needed Back at work !!!!"