This Year in Sports Betting, A-Z
by Nicholas Tolomeo - 12/27/2012
A – Ante Up. Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl was forced to wear a Denver Broncos jersey after losing a bet with the Denver mayor on the outcome of an AFC Wild Card game back in January, 2012. Ravenstahl even had to do the awful “Tebowing” pose. Now, if the Steelers would have won, the Denver mayor would have had to force himself on a drunk girl.
B – Burger King. In late January 2012, fast food joint Burger King announced it would begin delivering. This explains what happened to Albert Haynesworth this season.
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C – Chick fil-A. Four-star linebacker Cassanova McKinzy picked Auburn over Clemson back in February because there was a Chick fil-A on the campus of Auburn, while the one at Clemson is 15 minutes away. McKinzy finished his freshman season with 23 tackles, including 13 solo tackles, one tackle for a loss and a forced fumble. Auburn does not keep stats for how many spicy chicken sandwiches he downed this year.
D – Disney World. There may have been nothing more unintentionally funny than the Eli Manning “I’m going to Disney World” commercial from February. Manning is likely the first Super Bowl MVP to literally be more excited about going to an amusement park than winning a Super Bowl.
E - ESPN. ESPN college football analyst Craig James’ ill-fated political career was over before it began. While campaigning for a U.S. Senate seat in Texas, James faced the classic Catch 22 according to experts. He was largely unknown, and among the people who did know him, he was unpopular.
F – First time. For the first time last season Caesars Sportsbook issued college basketball conference win totals. The oddsmakers were spot on for the most part, except when it came to the Pitt Panthers. With an ‘over/under’ of 13 conference wins, Pitt ended up with 13 conference losses after it went 5-13.
G – Golden State. A ceremony to retire former Golden State Warrior Chris Mullins' jersey in March turned into a made-for-TV spectacle when the Golden State crowd turned on owner Joe Lacob. Lacob was showered with boos and derogatory chants. The Golden State fans have not been that loud since the 2007 NBA Playoffs. The ceremony took a turn for the worse when former player Rick Barry came to Lacob's defense and scolded the crowd for booing Lacob, which, of course, resulted in more booing.
H – Hockey. In case you needed further proof hockey players are the worst athletes in sports. In the NFL you can get injured by being on the receiving end of a pancake block. In January of this year, Los Angeles Kings forward Dustin Penner was injured while eating pancakes. He began to have back spasms after inhaling syrup-soaked pancakes made by his wife that forced him to miss a game, you know back when the NHL actually had games.
I – Iverson, Allen. Tawanna Iverson wanna know who her husband has been sleeping with. In the midst of an ugly divorce back in March, Tawanna Iverson demanded that A.I. provide the name and even telephone number of every person A.I. had "sexual relations and/or intimate physical contact" with since the day they were married up to the trial.
J - Juiced. After the Colts made it clear that Andrew Luck, not Peyton Manning, was going to be the quarterback for the 2012-13 season, oddsmakers posted the Colts’ season win total at 6.5 and even juiced the “over” at +160. The over turned out being a wise bet for anyone who took a chance.
K- Kirkpatrick, Dre. Alabama cornerback Dre Kirkpatrick declared early for the 2012 NFL Draft. Kirkpatrick was high on everybody’s big board, as he was projected to be a first-rounder. Well, it turns out that Kirkpatrick was literally high, as he was arrested this week for possession of marijuana by the Manatee County Sheriff’s office.
L – Long shot. DePaul entered the Big East conference basketball tournament last season as a 750 to 1 longshot. The Blue Demons played the part, too, losing to UConn 81-67 in the first round.
M – Maine. South Dakota State advanced to the NCAA Tournament this past March. Now there is now only one state in the continental US to never reach March Madness. We're looking at you, Maine.
N – No. 16 seed. Pizza Hut was going to give away free pizza to everyone in America if a No. 16 seed could beat a No. 1 seed. No. 16 seeds were 0-108 in NCAA Tournament history, but this season UNC-Asheville led No. 1 Syracuse 34-30 at halftime. Alas, there would be no free pizza as Syracuse rallied to win by seven.
O – One. When Alabama won the 2012 BCS National Championship after shutting out LSU, 21-0, players donned hats that read “DONE” in giant letters with the D in a darker color and the ONE standing out. The significant of the ONE is how many points it would have taken to beat LSU.
P – Peyton Manning. Back in March during the Peyton Manning sweepstakes, oddsmakers never envisioned Manning ending up in Denver. Oddsmakers pegged Miami (+225), Indianapolis (+250), New York Jets (+350) and Kansas City (+400) as more likely 2012-13 destinations for Manning. Denver, you ask? They were listed at +5000.
Q – Quote. In perhaps the quote of the year, Seton Hall basketball coach Kevin Willard, after watching his team shoot 25 percent from the field including 5-of-26 from three-point range, spouted off to reporters saying “I’m the only coach who has white guys that can’t shoot.”
R – Robert Griffin III. In January of this year, months before the NFL Draft, Bovada released NFL Draft odds. Fresh off winning the Heisman Trophy, Baylor quarterback Robert Griffin III was favored to be selected by the Cleveland Browns. Bovada had the Browns listed at “even,” while his eventual landing place, the Washington Redskins, were +300. The Redskins traded up to the No. 2 pick, scooped Griffin III, and now they have a chance to win the NFC East this year. The Browns did not trade up to the No. 2 pick, did not draft Griffin III, and don’t have a chance to win anything this year.
S – “Star Spangled Banner”. After Christina Aguilera gave us a “Star Spangled Banner” remix two years ago, Bovada posted the odds of Kelly Clarkson forgetting or omitting at least one word from the anthem at the Super Bowl. The odds were +250, but it did not hit as Clarkson sang the right words.
T – Taco Bill. Buffalo Bills offensive lineman Eric Wood tweeted a picture from Feb. 5 at 3:18 a.m. (aka Super Bowl XLVI eve) of his $73.74 receipt from Taco Bell that featured 12 chalupas, one taco party pack (six crunchy tacos, six soft tacos), six chicken quesadillas, six beefy crunch burritos, one crunch wrap supreme, three cinnamon twists, one cheesy rollup and one apple empanada. The only thing that would have been better than Wood, presumably stoned out of his mind, ordering over $70 worth of Taco Bell, would have been in the Bills somehow made the Super Bowl and Wood would have had to play the next day.
U – Underage. In perhaps the worst of the 2012 sports stories, pro golfer Steve Thomas was one of 40 men arrested under suspicious of solicitation of minors for sex in an undercover operation that was creepily called “Operation Red Cheeks.” Thomas was chatting with a woman about having sex with the woman’s 13-year old daughter. Thomas eventually agreed to meet the teen, and, oddly enough, he even sent her photos of himself golfing. What a turn on. When police searched Thomas’ SUV, they found three condoms, two packages of chocolate pudding and a bottle of honey. This begs a ton of questions, none of which we want answers for.
V – Value. The Seattle Seahawks handed out a three-year, $26 million contract to career backup quarterback Matt Flynn. In hindsight the contract looks like a great idea, as a backup Flynn “helped” Seattle clinch a playoff berth with a 10-5 record heading into Week 17. Flynn’s contract is pretty funny, because this year he went 5-of-9 for 68 yards with no touchdowns. That equates to like $110,000 per passing yard this season.
W – Washington Wizards. Some fed up Wizards fan took to Craigslist this past winter to offer his three upper-level, fourth row tickets to a game against Toronto for $5 each. Wizards’ tickets are selling for less than penny candy at some sites, but this particular Craigslist ad was pure gold. The seller even said "if you were to forget to send payment via PayPal, I would not be heartbroken. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to watch Javale goaltend, Dray shoot 18 footers and The Nick young baseline ballet, all against a team from Canada.”
X – XLVII. Before Super Bowl XLVI was even played, there were odds for Super Bowl XLVII (the one that is coming up in February, 2013). Bovada had the Patriots and Packers listed at co-favorites at 7/1. After that they were way off. The Saints (8/1), Eagles (10/1), Steelers (12/1) and Chargers (12/1) were the next biggest favorites, and none will even make the playoffs.
Y – Youth Hockey. A youth hockey coach in Canada made some incredibly funny and incredibly lewd comments about a 12-year-old player’s mother during a pregame locker room speech. The coach used the pregame speech to tell the player his mother was wearing too many different shades of lipstick and that his penis was starting to look like a rainbow.
Z – Zamboni DUI. Already with three DUI's under his belt from 1999-2002, a 34-year old man from Apple Valley, California, got his fourth one in style. He was arrested at work while Driving A Zamboni While Intoxicated, the old DAZWI. The man apparently reeked of alcohol, and parents who had just watched their kids play pee wee hockey noticed the Zamboni weaving erratically around the ice and even smacking into the boards. The 10-minute job of clearing the ice turned into a 25-minute job, and eventually some party pooper called the cops.