A – Angel Pagan. Angel Pagan stole a base during Game 2 of the World Series. And thanks to a promotion by Taco Bell, it meant free Doritos Locos Tacos for everyone. That’s just what this country fucking needs, more people scarfing down free Taco Bell.
B – Breasts. Just in case any NFL fan is not fully aware of breasts and breast cancer, the NFL will use pink flags during Sunday's Dolphins-Jets game.
C – Charles. Jay Cutler has endeared himself to at least one Chicago fan. NBA Hall of Famer, TNT basketball analyst, Weight Watchers spokesperson and degenerate gambler Charles Barkley recently picked up Cutler's dinner tab at Chicago Cut Steakhouse. Cutler was dining with wide receiver Brandon Marshall, and both had dates. Barkley likely had the Lions +6.5 on Monday night and wanted to thank Cutler and Marshall for only winning 13-7.
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D – Debate. Rather than reaching a crescendo and posting the highest ratings, the final Presidential debate drew the fewest viewers of the three debates. Either viewers just gave up on this election, or with this debate falling on a Monday, more viewers opted to watch the Bears and Lions score a total of 20 points instead of hearing the United States President and his challenger debate the future of the country.
E – Eliminating. The NBA is eliminating the "center" position on its all-star ballots. Fans will now vote for "frontcourt" players. Dreams of becoming an NBA all-star have just been shattered for Aaron Gray, Andray Blatche, Kosta Koufos, Brendan Haywood, Omer Asik, Enes Kanter and Al Horford, just to name a few awful centers.
F – Fantasy Slut League. A “fantasy slut league” has been discovered at a California high school. Staff at Piedmont High School discovered the league that has been ongoing for 5-6 years. The fantasy slut league is a lot like fantasy football, but a bit more mature. In the fantasy slut league male students earn points for "documented engagement in sexual activities with female students." I have no idea how these are documented, but it sounds like this league has a legitimate future. It is only a matter of time until ESPN.com begins hosting drafts and analyzing fantasy slut busts and sleepers (get it?) on “SportsCenter”.
G – Gary Bettman. Currently mired in a lockout, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and New York Islanders owner Charles Wang held a press conference on Wednesday. It wasn’t to announce news about ending the lockout, but rather to announce the Islanders would be moving from Nassau County to Brooklyn. Only in the NHL can something like that happen.
H – Hockey? Speaking of which, the New York Islanders are moving from Long Island to Brooklyn in a move that comes as a surprise to many New Yorkers, who had no idea there was a second hockey team playing in the area.
I – Indiana Fever. Good luck getting a sandwich made last Monday in Indiana. Someone thought it was a good idea to have a freaking parade on Monday afternoon for the Indiana Fever and their dozens of female fans after the team won the 2012 WNBA Championship. In fitting fashion, the parade was moved into a stairwell near the team’s stadium due to rain. One “fan” took full advantage of the hysteria surrounding the Fever’s title. A 43-year old woman was arrested for public intoxication as she staggered into the middle of a police investigation declaring, “Baby, I’m celebrating the Fever winning the championship. I’m loaded. I ain’t gonna lie.” If she was actually celebrating a WNBA Championship I’m guessing the drug of choice was some kind of cocktail involving PCP.
J – Jeff Driskel. Florida Gators starting quarterback Jeff Driskel is dating captain of the Florida cheerleading squad, Tarin Moses. Moses previously dated a pitcher on the Gators baseball team. Now Moses just needs to bang the Florida point guard to complete the Gator cycle.
K– Kung Fu Panda. Pablo "Kung Fu Panda" Sandoval hit only 12 home runs during the regular season. He was facing Justin Verlander in Game 1 of the World Series. No player had a three-homer game at the AT&T ballpark since the very first game at the park when Kevin Elster (who?!) hit three. Yet, against all odds, it was “Pandamonium” running wild Wednesday night as Sandoval belted three home runs in the game.
L – Lawanda. Lawanda Ann Alford, the 38-year-old mother of Southern Miss quarterback Anthony Alford, was arrested during the Golden Eagles' loss to Marshall after she confronted a fan critical of her son's god-awful play. Mama Lawanda was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest charges. Lawanda has a history of getting riled up at her son’s games. She was once ejected from a high school baseball games for berating an umpire.
M – Michael Schumacher. The Missouri director of video operations made it rain to the tune of $7,605.50 at a Las Vegas strip club, and he charged it to a university credit card. The charges from his May 5, 2011 (Cinco de Mayo!) visit to the Olympic Garden included a $2,000 tip on a $4,400 bill. Considering the tip, his visit likely ended with a happy ending. However, even if it didn’t, the story does as Schumacher was allowed to repay the university and keep his job but not his university credit card. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the director of video operations apparently didn’t record his adventure that night, so we don’t get to see what exactly $7,605 and 50 cents buys you at a Las Vegas titty bar.
N – New York Islanders. The New York Islanders will play three more seasons in the decrepit 40-year old Nassau County Coliseum before moving to the $1 billion Barclays Center. The NHL's current smallest arena is in Winnipeg (15,004). The Barclays Center will only seat 14,500, but that is no worry for the Islanders, a team who is 29th in the league in attendance averaging just over 13,000 people per game.
O – Ozzie Guillen. The Miami Marlins fired Ozzie Guillen after only one season. Pitcher Ricky Nolasco took to Twitter to voice his displeasure. In an obvious ode to Guillen, Nolasco got a little vulgar tweeting, "U gotta b fuckin shitting me."
P – Parlay. Some degenerate gambler somehow hit a 23-team parlay last weekend. Even though many of the plays were moneyline, the feat was still insane. The gambler bet $100 on BetOnline with a payout of $25,772. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the man's madness; he took everyone from Oregon (-300), LSU (-165) and Ohio State (-940) to Bowling Green (-780), Northern Illinois (-660) and Central Florida (-1300). For good measure he tossed in one NFL game on the 49ers (-380) and even took an underdog, Kansas State (+125).
Q – Quinn. The Kansas City Chiefs are all in and ready to do whatever it takes to secure the No. 1 overall pick in the NFL Draft. The Chiefs became the front runner for the top pick when they named Brady Quinn starting quarterback this week. With Matt Cassel under center, the Chiefs went 1-5. Coach Romeo Crennel is probably hoping Quinn can somehow do worse than that. Crennel coached Quinn in Cleveland, so he has a good idea of just how bad he is. Quinn filled in for a concussed Cassel in Week 6 and won the starting job by going 22-of-38 for 180 yards with no touchdowns and two interceptions in a 28-point loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
R – Ronda Rousey. UFC president Dana White says he is working on a female division. Strikeforce star Ronda Rousey, the sort of hot girl who got butt naked for “ESPN the Magazine: The Body Issue,” is poised to become the first female fighter in the UFC, unless you're counting Seth Petruzelli.
S – SEALs. The Pittsburgh Pirates, the franchise that has strung together 20 consecutive losing seasons, an absolutely amazing North American professional sports record, apparently knows something no other MLB team does. The Pirates have been putting their prospects through Navy SEALs training. Instead of fielding grounders or hitting the batting cages or doing things that might help you snap a 20-YEAR LOSING STREAK, the Pirates are waking their prospects up around midnight, having them complete two-hour scavenger hunts, go on two-mile runs at 5 a.m., complete relay races involving filling garbage cans with sand, take part in sliding drills in a nearly pitch-black stadium and run through above-ground pools of ice water and then take a leap of faith into a sand pit. At this rate the Pirates won't be able to beat the Brewers, but they will be able to hunt down and kill Osama Bin Laden – well if he wasn’t already dead.
T – Taco Bell. Taco Bell gave away free tacos because Angel Pagan stole a base in the World Series (see A). Next season Taco Bell should look into giving away a free taco for EVERY stolen base during the World Series. If somehow catcher Rod Barajas makes the Fall Classic, America is going to have one giant mess on its hands.
U – Undecided voters. All undecided voters should watch “Monday Night Football” on Nov. 5 when the Eagles visit the Saints. The undecided voters should watch, not just because both teams have horrific defenses and the game should be a shootout, but also because if tradition holds up ESPN's Chris Berman will interview President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney. This halftime interview should provide you with the necessary information to cast your ballot for the next leader of the free world.
V – Vikings. Minnesota Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder is dating ESPN's Samantha Steele, AKA the next Erin Andrews. Ponder's teammates have responded by calling their quarterback Mr. Steele. Ponder is likely a stop-gap boyfriend for Steele until she gets a little more famous and parlays that into a relationship with an actual NFL quarterback.
W – World Series. After the Detroit Tigers promptly choked hard on the road in Games 1 and 2 of the World Series, the former –140 favorites plummeted to +255 underdogs to win the World Series on 5Dimes. The Giants headed into the weekend listed at –310 on 5Dimes.
X – eXes. New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, 25, is breaking up with the 37-year old Eva Longoria. The breakup is apparently amicable, unlike the divorce of Deion Sanders and Pilar Sanders, who are arguing in court. Pilar Sanders attempted to have a prenup agreement thrown out so she could milk “Neon Deion” for more money, but a judge denied that mainly because Pilar literally signed a “signing bonus” along with the prenup for $100,000. A signing bonus, really? I wonder if the prenup agreement had any contract incentives for number of sandwiches made or blowjobs, etc. After the judge denied Pilar’s motion, Deion did what you would expect him to do, he tweeted, “Boy I wanted to get up and do my dance today in court! I always told ya a lie has No endurance and the Truth will win the end! Yes Lawd.” I’m guessing you read that tweet in the Deion Sanders voice.
Y – Yo Gabbert Gabbert. The Green Bay Packers opened as 15.5-point favorites over the Jacksonville Jaguars for their Week 8 game in Lambeau Field, and that is WITH Jacksonville starting quarterback Blaine "Yo Gabba Gabba" Gabbert starting. There was some question if Gabbert would start after tearing the labrum in his non-throwing shoulder on Sunday. The line has since moved to 16 points. If Gabbert was unable to play and Chad "don't pass me the ball, pass me the" Henne was in the starting lineup, there was no telling where this line would end up. Do I hear a –28?
Z – Zito. With Barry Zito dealing on the mound during Game 1 of the World Series, the AT&T Park crowd began to chant "Barry, Barry, Barry." Fox announcer Joe Buck noted how they used to chant it for someone else in that ballpark, and Tim McCarver inexplicably cut in and literally said, "Barry Manilow, when he was playing a concert." While it was true Manilow played AT&T Park in 2007, who the fuck was thinking Barry Manilow and not Barry Bonds. Oh wait, I know who, Tim McCarver.