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Scroll to the bottom of this page for team-by-team predictions for the 2008-09 season. If you're looking for NFL weekly Picks with analysis from our team of NFL Handicapping experts check out the 6 pages under the "Advisory Board"section on the left side bar.
The best part about making NFL Predictions is that 99 percent of the general public forgets them before they are even done reading the article. If you don't believe me, then how do you explain the fact that Mel Kiper Jr., Sean Salisbury, Stink Schlereth and Joe Theismann still collect paychecks?
Training camp is just a few scant weeks away. And since I'm going to be spending the next six months making NFL predictions based on rigid statistical analysis, historical trends and data, and one-on-one matchups I thought it would be fun to make some NFL predictions that were a little more personal, a little more outside the box, and a little more thematic than specific.
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With that in mind, here are my 2008 NFL predictions for just about every team in the league (damn you San Diego!!!!):
Adrian Peterson's Knee Will Crumble Like A Jenga; At Least Two Fantasy Football Related Suicides Attributed
This is what AP does, and if anyone is surprised when it happens they just haven't been paying attention. But if you're picking No. 1 overall in your draft and you don't take Peterson you have stones the size of Rushmore. I'm telling you, the O/U is 125 carries and daddy is holding an 'under' card.
Arizona Will FINALLY Live Up To Its "Sleeper" Billing
For like the past six years they've been everyone's sleeper (right Regis?) and they suck every year. But they may have siphoned off enough ex-Steelers to be solid this time around, especially in the paper mache NFC West.
Marshawn Lynch Will Continue To Run, But Will Not Need To Hit A Pedestrian Before Doing So
Buffalo is going to be a tough out again this year - if it can keep at least half of its team healthy. And as long as Lynch doesn't spend much time driving around the parking lot or the sidelines in Ralph Wilson Stadium plugging bystanders, there's no way Buffalo will experience the amount of injuries they did last year.
Jason Taylor Will Move One-Step Closer To A Humiliating Television Career
It can be argued that this is a recap, more than a prediction. But I don't think "Dancing With The Stars" is the low point. Taylor is destined to star in a 12-part Lifetime Miniseries Event set for Mother's Day 2010. The Dolphins will at least be competitive for more than three weeks this season but they will still struggle to live up to the standard set by the Cleo Lemon teams of the late 00s.
Kyle Boller Will Continue To Be Not Quite As Good As Trent Dilfer
Being the QB for the Ravens used to be easy: show up sober, massage Ray's feet during timeouts, and don't turn the ball over more than three times. Now, with the defense aging and the team in flux, it's more difficult. They want to give the reigns to rookie Joe Flacco, but they need time to groom him, which opens the door for Boller Part VII, A New Blood.
Arthur Blank's Falcons Will Set Attendance Records
The record: most illegal aliens in attendance, season. Blank will be pulling Mexicans from out in front of his Home Depot, shoving season tickets and a twenty in their hands, and stuffing them in the Georgia Dome just to make the place look full.
Carolina Will Miss Thinking About How Good They'd Be If Dan Morgan Stayed Healthy
Basically, the Panthers have been a battered wife over the last few years. (Which is an ironic simile since so many NFL players do beat their wives.) Their constant denial was only topped by their annual disappointment in Morgan ("I know he's had nine concussions in the last 12 months, but if we can keep him in the middle our defense won't be so bad…"). He is now gone. Instead they will be left thinking about what it would be like if Julius Peppers played every year like it was a contract year.
Seattle Will Remain The Weakest Dynasty In Recent NFC History
What's a step lower than a Dynasty? An Empire? Then the Seahawks are the weakest empire in NFC history. They've notched four straight division titles, five crowns in the last nine years, and they have finished lower than second place just once in the last 10 years. Only New England (seven) and Indianapolis (six) have more division titles during that decade and Seattle is tied with Philadelphia (five). But playing in one of the worst divisions in football helps keep the banners flowing.
Reggie Bush Will Continue To Be As Soft As Kim Kardashian's Ass
Granted, I would love to slap it. And bite it. But being as soft as Kim's ass while an NFL running back isn't a good thing. Deuce McAllister's knees are only slightly better than Robert Parrish's at the moment. And when he goes down we will be reminded again that Bush cannot be a featured back because he avoids more hits than Brandon Webb.
Josh Brown Will Kick A Game-Winning Field Goal In A Rams-Seahawks Game
Only this time it will be for the Rams and will against the Hawks, his former squad. Sweet irony.
The Sex Cannon Will Erupt All Over Jay Marrioti's Face
The best part about Chicago's jaw-droppingly bad quarterback situation (Kyle Orton's neck beard is on deck behind The Sex Cannon) is that it isn't even the worst situation the Bears have found themselves in over the last decade. Sexy Rex Grossman will be a miserable failure in his attempt to consistently drop his deep balls into the holes of unsuspecting secondaries. So enjoy him while you can, because I figure by right around Week 3 he'll sneak out the back door of the league before you even wake up.
Pac Man Jones Will Impregnate At Least One Cowboys Cheerleader
It's really the only thing that's missing from his resume. To my knowledge he doesn't have illegitimate children. We need to change that. He needs to go the Shawn Kemp route and just start knocking up anything he can find in Big D. The Cowboys should be doing a lot of partying this year to celebrate their success, so Pac Man will have ample opportunity to make this happen.
You Will See Peyton Manning More Than You See Your Grandma
He is everywhere. He is not just Eli's big brother. He is actually Big Brother. And he is watching.
The Jets Will Offer Me A 4-Year, $40 Million Contract
In their never-ending - and completely unwinnable - battle to stay relevant compared to imaginary rivals the Patriots and Giants, the Jets were spending money like a Republican with a budget surplus in free agency. Trouble is, their marquee moves were on underachieving Calvin Pace (who is no Jon Vilma) and over-the-hill Alan Faneca. Sorry Mangina, but 2006 was, in fact, a fluke.
Raider Nation Will Be In The Playoff Hunt
Yeah, I said it. And just remember who said it first when Shannon Sharpe or Deion Sanders are babbling incoherently about playoff scenarios in December about how nice it is for the Silver-and-Black to be back. Their defense has a chance to be exceptional, their offensive line is one of the best in the league, and if they can get absolutely anything out of Javon Walker they could score some points. Oh, and Darren McFadden will be this year's AP.
Brett Favre Will Impact Green Bay's Season Than Aaron Rodgers
If Favre stays it will lead to the most awkward position meetings in the NFL since the Miami LB gatherings after Jason Taylor stopped banging Zach Thomas' sister and got a divorce. If Favre doesn't stay then Rodgers actually has to play. Which is kind of like the kid who had to do his art presentation after famous Wisconsinite Frank Lloyd Wright.
Donovan McNabb Will Play The Race Card
The Eagles will likely struggle with a young team this year. And McNabb will again be blamed for the fact that they are rebuilding, that they play in the toughest division in football, that their receivers wouldn't start at Temple, Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance, that the front seven can't stop anyone, the housing market bust, the fact that Philly has a coach that is busier scraping meth resin off the silverware at home than he is game planning for Dallas, and the Iraq War. It's all Donovan's fault. And he'll resort to his tried-and-true defense: The Card.
Denver Will Go The Entire Season Without Someone Dying, Or Suffering Some Catastrophic Injury
Which is saying something.
Chad Johnson Will Do Something That Scares/Entertains Old White Men
I think they are the only people who get a kick out of him now. Most people know that his antics aren't any fun when the Bengals suck. But old white people - the type that green-lit "Cavemen," still get a kick out of him. Until they see too much of his grill in their world. Then they just get scared.
Mike Martz Will Be Charged As An Accessory To Alex Smith's Murder; Still Be Considered A "Genius"
He blew the Super Bowl, dismantled a dynasty, and led one of the worst offenses in the league in Detroit. Can we kill the "genius" talk? He's a bit like the guy in Hostel. Now that he has a QB that can run (and behind that o-line, he'll need to) Martz will up the torture with even more seven- and nine-step drops.
Jeff Fisher's Mustache Will Continue To Shine
He's a crafty one, and is the Jerry Sloan of the NFL. I only have a few strict rules. One of them is never trust a man with a mustache. But I think I'd trust Fisher with my life. Just not my money or wife. In other news, expect the Titans to be solid again with Fish at the helm.
Dwayne Bowe And Larry Johnson Will Wonder Why They Are Surrounded By Earthlings
These guys are absolute animals and will do a lot of damage this year. I mean, they are both freaks of nature. But with Herm at the helm it's a pretty safe bet that their talents will be wasted and that their team will underachieve.
Fred Taylor Will Get Hurt, Furthering The Myth Of His Fragility (Jerry Porter Will Not Live Up To Expectations)
Ask any fan or fantasy football player and they would tell you that Taylor is made of glass. However, he's missed just nine games in the last six years. Pretty solid by today's standards. He is also 12th on the all-time rushing list and will be in the Top 10 by Thanksgiving. Um, if he stays healthy.
Houston's Left Tackle Will Suck
The Curse of the Boselli continues. No matter how many different names they bring in the Texans just can't find a blindside tackle. When are they going to realize that their franchise is doomed to fail - unless they find a left-handed quarterback?
Jon Gruden Will Treat His Quarterback Like A The Filthy Whore He Is
Can you picture Gruden rolling down to South Beach during the offseason, kicking it at some swank Miami nightclub with Will Smith and Telly Savalas, picking up models, banging them in the back of a suburban and then dumping them in Little Haiti. He treats his quarterbacks the same way.
Minnesota Signs Ron Morris, Tom Waddle, and Wendell Davis
Which NFL team has had the worst passing attack of the last 20 years? The Chicago Bears. And where did Bobby Wade and Bernard Berrian, the starting wideouts of the Minnesota Vikings come from? The Chicago Bears. For some reason I don't think that T-Jack-to-Shiancoe will make the Vikings faithful forget about Culpepper-to-Moss. Or even Culpepper-to-Wiggins.
The Giants Will Not Make The Playoffs
Frankly, I don't even know if they are aware that there is another season to be played. Plexico Burress won't show up to practice until around Week 11, Justin Tuck will be hiding strippers in his pads, and Eli Manning will go back to being Eli Manning. The G-Men missed the postseason after their other two Super Bowl wins. Let's keep it rolling.
Washington Prepares Us For The Second Coming Of Joe Bugel
I figure by Week 6 Jim Zorn, a guy with no head coaching experience, will be spending most of his time curled up in a little ball, sucking his thumb underneath his desk. That will leave Bugel, the only instructor with head coaching experience the staff, as the man in charge. The results will be glorious.
Despite Rampant Unemployment And Poverty In Detroit, Matt Millen Will Keep His Job
George W. Bush sure thinks that Millen is doin' a heck of a job. He also is rumored to have a job waiting for him running the Michigan Dept. of Urban Planning when he's finished rebuilding the Lions. The problem is that Detroit is only in Phase 43 of Millen's 23,946-phase plan to revive the franchise. This one involves the transition from pass-happy, run-and-gun offense with no QB and no line to a smashmouth, grind-it-out running team with no line and no RB.
Bill Belichick Will Kill A Puppy And Drink Its Blood
The Dark Lord of Foxboro has spent all of his offseason in his cave. He will soon emerge and bring with him a plague of Moss and Brady, running up the score on any helpless squad that gets in his way. Alas, it will again not be enough as the Karma Police smote his Lombardi efforts again.
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The Steelers Will Lose To The Browns
The Steelers are 16-3 against Cleveland over the past 10 years, including an 8-1 mark in their last nine trips to the Dawg Pound. But the Browns are going to be a bit feisty this year and will definitely be up for their Week 2 matchup in Cleve Land.
You Will Not Remember Any Of My First Three Predictions In This Article
See, I told you. So it goes.
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