This Week in Sports Betting, A-Z
by Nicholas Tolomeo - 12/7/2011
A – Andrews, Erin. Busty ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews is seeking $10 million in damages for being secretly videotaped butt naked through a hotel peephole. She is suing the hotel where it happened, the West End Marriott near Vanderbilt University, for $6 million and suing Michael Barrett, the genius who thought of the plot, for $4 million. Barrett is in the can, serving a 2 ½ year sentence for stalking. Barrett's video went viral in seconds and was watched by literally everyone in the world. If Erin was smart she would have just made a sex tape and got a lot more than $10 million for it.
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B – Brett to the Bears. According to a source of a source's roommate’s friends’ ex-boyfriend, Brett Favre "would listen" if the Chicago Bears came calling looking for a quarterback. If this were to happen the ESPN Bottom Line would instantly explode.
C – Cleveland Cavaliers and Canadian Raptors. The recently announced compact NBA schedule looks like it could give a shot to some underdogs to make a run. Well, everyone except for the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Toronto Raptors. Their odds to win the NBA championship are both 200/1. It could be a one-game season and I’m sure the odds would be about the same.
D – Drunk dialing. Bob Vander Weide stepped down from his position as Orlando Magic CEO, coincidentally just a few days after drunk dialing franchise player Dwight Howard. Around 1 a.m. after a couple glasses -- or maybe bottles -- of wine, Vander Weide decided to call Howard, who had to be disappointed that his phone was ringing at 1 a.m., and that it was a guy and not a booty call. Vander Weide told Howard how much the Magic wanted to keep him in Orlando. I'm sure that strategy will work.
E – East? The Big East said the heck with getting teams from the east and the heck with getting good teams period when they announced the invitation of Boise State, Houston, San Diego State, SMU and UCF for the 2013 football season. Boise State missed a chip shot field goal that would have put it in the National Championship Game. Houston got blown out at home in a game that would have sent it to the Sugar Bowl. The only thing San Diego State is east of is Japan. And nobody in the east knows what SMU or UCF stands for.
F – Fans Fighting. An overweight woman wearing a Carolina Panthers jersey was involved in a scuffle during her team's 38-19 win at Tampa Bay. The scuffle ended with the pudgy Panther fan eating shit and then being handcuffed while face down on the concrete steps of Raymond James Stadium with nearly her entire ass and ill-fitting thong hanging out everywhere. The footage is all captured from just a few rows away as fans watch in horror as the heavyweight Carolina fan goes down on the steps and watches her pants go half way down to her knees exposing a red thong about six sizes to small for the behemoth “woman,” who has topped 10,000 YouTube views by Tuesday evening. The video is simply called "Fat G-String – Bucs vs. Panthers – 04 December 2011”.
G – Griffin, Robert III. If you follow sports betting then you do not have to waste three hours of your life on Saturday watching ESPN's marathon production. Baylor quarterback Robert Griffin III already won the Heisman. That much was obvious when his odds shot down from as high as +400 to as low as –700 in the span of one day. Tuesday night on 5dimes Griffin was –600 while the field was +400. Other "contenders" were Andrew Luck (+600), Trent Richardson (+800), Montee Ball (+20,000) and Tyrann Mathieu (+30,000).
H – Hugh Freeze. Ole Miss hired some guy named Hugh Freeze as its next football coach. Hugh Freeze kind of sounds like a name a prank caller would give you. But so did Houston Nutt.
I – Indianapolis Colts. The Colts travel to the Ravens this week as 16-point underdogs, continuing their tour de awfulness around the NFL. Pinnacle has released a few NFL props for Week 14 that has to be directly tied to this game. The 'over/under' on largest margin of victory is 31.5 points. That seems a little ludicrous until you look at the Colts. There is also a prop on whether or not there will be a safety, a usually rare play in the NFL. The ‘Yes’ is –140 and the ‘No’ is +120. That bet has Dan Orlovsky written all over it. Speaking of which…
J – Jim Kosek. Some clown weatherman from central Pennsylvania said he would wear his wife's Indianapolis Colts' panties to work if they lost to the New England Patriots in Week 13 and would continue wearing them until the Colts win a game. Apparently Kosek does not follow football, or he likes to wear women's underwear. The Colts were 21-point underdogs and just announced Dan "I safetied myself" Orlovsky would take over at quarterback when Kosek made this proposition. Needless to say, the Colts lost and Kosek had to wear the panties to work. And he is on TV as a weatherman. I don’t know how he still has a job.
K – Karina Smirnoff. Recent “Dancing With the Stars” champion, Ukrainian ballroom dancer Karina Smirnoff, has realized her recent fame can probably get her something better than a baseball player, so she has called off her engagement with Detroit Tigers pitcher Brad Penny. Smirnoff, no relation to the bottle of vodka in your freezer, won the past season of “Dancing With the Stars” with army veteran/soap opera actor J.R. Martinez. She is 33 years old so the clock is ticking for her to cash in on her new found stardom.
L – Larry Fedora. By beating Houston in the Conference USA Championship Game, former Southern Miss coach Larry Fedora appears to have landed himself a spot at North Carolina. Fedora, it should be noted, usually wears a visor and not a fedora.
M – Meyer, Urban. The hype machine is already in full swing around Urban Meyer and the Ohio State Buckeyes. It is early December and already oddsmakers have posted a season win total 'over/under' on the Buckeyes of 8.5 wins for next season.
N – NBA. Right about now the NBA players have to be wondering why they agreed to play basketball this season. The league announced that there will be 42 back-to-back-to-back games teams will have to play during this lockout-shortened "season". Every team will play 66 games and every team will play on three straight nights at least once. The NBA Playoffs might end up taking longer than the regular season.
O – Ohio Punter. After landing an invitation to the not-so-famous Famous Idaho Potato Bowl in beautiful Boise, Idaho, Ohio Bobcat punter Paul Hershey thought out loud via Twitter what all his teammates were thinking, "Idaho?? Who the fuck wants to play there in December??" Ohio has only been to five bowl games ever and they have lost all five of them. They are three-point underdogs against Utah State, and considering the attitude of the punter it looks like Ohio might be 0-6 in bowl games now. Soon after tweeting this and feeling the public backlash about not being grateful for being one of only 70 teams going to a bowl, Hershey was forced to delete his Twitter account.
P – Philander Smith. It has been said you can bet on almost anything. But a quick look at a college basketball schedule lets you know why it is “almost” anything. There are some schools, so bad, so unknown, so incredibly random, it even stupefies the Las Vegas oddsmakers. This week Fresno State played the Academy of Art. Arkansas Little Rock played something called Philander Smith. And next week Savannah State plays the 11th Cavalry, which just sounds downright dangerous.
Q – Quack, Quack. Before the Rose Bowl Cliff Harris decided to hit a bowl. Now the all-American cornerback has been dismissed from the Oregon football team. His latest citation for possession of marijuana comes after incidents of driving 118 mph and driving under a suspended license.
R – Realignment. The NHL announced a radical realignment plan this week for no other apparent reason than to create attention and confuse the dozens of hockey fans out there. Now the issue is what to name the conferences. If Gary Bettman were smart he would be the commissioner of a sport besides hockey. But if he were smart he would also rename the four conferences, the AFC North, the SEC, the AL East and the NBA Atlantic so people would think they are watching the NFL, college football, baseball or basketball, and not hockey.
S – Santa Claus. Some streakers wear nothing, some just wear underwear, some dress like referees and others have some kind of website emblazoned on their backs. And then there was the scene at Aloha Stadium on Saturday. Either Santa Claus or a streaker dressed as Santa Claus barnstormed the field during the third quarter of the BYU/Hawaii game. Unfortunately for Santa Claus, or the imposter dressed as him, there no was no sleigh waiting to take him away, he was quickly tackled and arrested. BYU won 41-20 and covered the 8.5-point spread.
T – Terry Francona. ESPN pulled off a trade, sending Bobby Valentine to the Boston Red Sox for Terry Francona and possibly cash considerations.
U – Undefeated. After passing yet another huge road hurdle in New York on Sunday, the Packers odds of going 16-0 are –135 and their odds of going 19-0 including a Super Bowl win are +260.
V – Venus Williams. Playing in a tennis match in Italy, Venus Williams nearly had a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction. The 31-year-old Williams had her shoulder strap on her dress snap during a match, sending a breast flying out of her clothing. Thankfully, Williams quickly covered herself before the breast was exposed to too many fans or television cameras.
W – Weiner. Minnesota defensive end turned long snapper Jared Allen warned former teammate and current Atlanta Falcon Ray Edwards that if he ran him over after Allen snapped the ball on a field goal attempt, Allen would "punch you square in your weiner, dude." So naturally Edwards ran over Allen and naturally Allen punched him in the weiner. And who said NFL stood for No Fun League.
X – X-mas hoops. Just when NBA stars finally thought they were going to have a Christmas Day off for once, the NBA gets its act together just in time to start games on…Christmas. The schedule is as follows: noon, Boston at New York (pick); 2:30 p.m. Miami (-1) at Dallas; 5 p.m. Chicago at LA Lakers (-3); 8 p.m. Orlando at Oklahoma City (-6.5); and 10:30 p.m. LA Clippers at Golden State (-2). Those games and point spreads will give you enough reasons to avoid family at all costs.
Y – You're Fired. Delivering the best performance of the young NHL season, former ESPN NHL analyst Matthew Barnaby was arrested and charged with DWI after he was spotted driving his Porsche Cayenne on three tires. The rim where the fourth tire should have been was causing sparks as Barnaby barreled along. Almost instantly ESPN fired Barnaby. And now there is a chance he will be deported back to Canada. But that would likely be a favor to Barnaby because there is absolutely no need for an out of work hockey analyst in this country.
Z – Zero wins. The odds of the Colts finishing with zero wins are +140. Even with Dan "Freaking" Orlovsky at quarterback and a Colts schedule that features games against Tennessee, Houston and Jacksonville, the oddsmakers would still consider it a slight upset if the Colts do not win a single game.
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