Brett Favre For President!
by Trevor Whenham - 07/31/2008
I'm going to make a bold assumption that you are at least a little bit aware that there is a bit of a soap opera underway with Brett Favre as the star. If you're not, well, it's just not possible that you aren't since it seems to be the only topic that the world, or at least the sports world, has the ability to talk about.
If you somehow haven't been following it, let me give you a brief summary. Once upon a time there was this guy from Mississippi. He liked attention more than anyone in the world has ever liked attention. Every year he pretends like the world cares if he retires or not. This year, for a twist, he quickly decided he was going to retire. He cried. Everyone said that they believed him. Stupid people. A couple of weeks later he secretly un-retired. His team was happy. But then he un-un-retired. This was all in secret. Everyone was happy that they didn't have to listen to, or care about, the guy from Mississippi anymore. How silly of them. Soon, reports came out that the Man from Mississippi wanted to un-retire again. He denied it. Then he didn't. The team pretended it was okay with it. It wasn't. He asked to be released. The team said no. The team tried to trade him. He said no. They both wanted to break up more than anything in the world, but despite that there was one thing that they refused to do - break up. The man said he was going to training camp. The team said no. The man said yes. The team said no. The rest of the world looked for pencils so that they could poke their eyes out. That way, they wouldn't have to watch this circus anymore.
The end? There is probably never going to be an end. Our great-great-great-great-great grandchildren will still have to deal with the latest Favre comeback. Favre will long since have been dead by then, but it's almost certain that that won't be enough to stop him. He's just that much of an attention whore.
The team, the player, and his agent can't seem to come to a resolution in this mess. The commissioner has even waded deep into this one, and the man who deals with freaks like Michael Vick and Pacman Jones in his sleep can't seem to work wonders with this one. It's clearly beyond all of them. Luckily I'm here. There are at least six different scenarios that could end this mess and restore our sanity if only someone had the insight and courage to implement them. Here are those scenarios and the odds I would give each of happening. One thing I am certain of is Favre would be fine with any of these options - they would each feed his gigantic ego sufficiently. In fact, I'm pretty sure that these are the scenarios that Favre dreams about when he closes his eyes. Feel free to place a bet on any of them - just mail me some cash, and I promise I'll pay you if you're right:
1. Frustrated with ability to find a team to play for, Favre goes to Iraq. The war ends immediately - he is Brett Favre, after all. Residents rename country I-Brett in thanks. (7/1)
2. Favre negotiates a contract to play for the Calgary Stampeders in the CFL. Deal almost falls apart until Calgary caves on his key contract demand - league must be renamed the BFL (Brett Favre League) (5/1)
3. Favre moves to Rome and tries to become Pope. Vatican officials point out that he isn't Catholic. He counters that he is Brett Favre. The Pope obviously steps aside. (11/1)
4. Given a bunsen burner, a bag of marbles, an olive, and three hours, Favre cures cancer. Lance Armstrong is thrilled, though somewhat jealous. (9/1)
5. Favre moves to South Dakota to supervise his latest and most important project - the carving of a fifth face, his own, into Mt. Rushmore. Budget is no issue as he happily agrees to pay for it. (3/1)
6. Since he has some free time and obvious appeal, both candidates nominate Favre as their vice president. After intense public outcry, both parties do the right thing and make him their presidential nominee. He becomes president with 100 percent of the vote. The rest of the world is jealous that he isn't their leader. Within eight months he is President of the World. To mark his second anniversary in that position the world's citizen's unanimously appoint him President for Life. He accepts that position, but then retires 13 different times in the next three weeks, though never for more than four hours. Planet earth is renamed Planet Favre. The hole in the ozone mends itself. No one ever goes hungry again. (5/2)