Dear Santa: My Sports Betting Wish List
by Robert Ferringo - 12/12/2006
(This is an excerpt of an article that appears in the current addition of Every Edge Magazine)
I'd like to think that I've been a good boy this year. I've quit beating up hobos, stopped mocking old people and teasing handicapped children, and did my part to make the world a better place by voting Democrat. I've tried to lead an honest, decent life for the past 300+ days and I think I've been pretty successful. So now it's time for my reward. Because no matter what those religious zealots say we all know that Christmas is about presents!
But I'm also trying to continue my run of charity and kindness by asking for things that will benefit not just myself, but my fellow gambling brethren in the coming Year of Our Lord 2007. It's not about me; it's about my fellow Man. So I've compiled a short list of gifts that I'd like you to bring me to warm up this Holiday Season for everyone involved. Anything you could do would be greatly appreciated.
Here's my list:
I would like Brian Griese to become the starter for the Super Bowl champion Chicago Bears.
As you know, I'm a Bears fan. I've never been sold on Rex Grossman -- not for this team in this season. After watching in complete and utter terror as he shows a total disregard for the football over the past two months I'm now hoping that Lovie Smith has an epiphany about Sexy Rexy. Smith should realize that if Chicago is this good with a quarterback who closes his eyes and throws the ball up for grabs a half-dozen times per game, they could be downright devastating with someone willing to manage the game.
I would like for people to realize how good the Big East Conference is, and cash in on them this Bowl Season.
Through the first six weeks of the college football season, before anyone had fully immersed themselves into the hatred and intensity of conference play, the Big East had been outstanding in non-conference match-ups. They were 22-7 against the spread as a whole, by far the best mark in the nation. In order, the rest of the BCS members stacked up like so: Big 12 (19-13 ATS), Big 10 (17-15), SEC (16-15), Pac 10 (11-14), and ACC (8-18).
There are five teams from the Beast that were invited to bowl games, and they are all favored. I would like every one of them to win and cover.
I would like for The St. Louis Rams and Oakland Raiders to be disbanded.
These two franchises have been the bane of my gambling existence. They are my Kryptonite, and no matter what it is I can't seem to stay away from playing - and losing - on them. It's bizarre really. And it isn't just that they lose every time I make a play on one of their games. It's that they find the most dumbfounding and frustrating ways, like losing on missed extra points and safeties.
These two teams happen to meet in Oakland on Dec. 17 in what will most assuredly be a clinic in undisciplined play, shoddy ball handling and poor clock management. Please convince Roger Goodell to disband both franchises and remove any and all temptation I would have to make a future wager on them.
I would like for the team in your Fantasy League that has LaDainian Tomlinson to get upset in the playoffs.
You know That Guy in most fantasy leagues. He probably won the regular season and has definitely been talking smack all year. I would like him to suffer some brutal loss in the quarterfinals or the semifinals, preferably to the guy in the league who doesn't know much about football but somehow managed to advance this far.
I would like Bryant Gumble and Dan Dierdorf to never broadcast another NFL game.
Bryant Gumble, the inventor of the three-minute warning, has been a disaster broadcasting Thursday night games for the NFL Network. He's constantly getting people's names wrong, seems disinterested, is slow with his play-by-play and brings nothing to the table as far as insight into the game. It's a bit like Mensa having Paris Hilton as a spokesperson or Victoria's Secret using Keira Knightly in a bra campaign.
I think the Dierdorf call doesn't require further explanation.
I would like to go on a savage winning streak.
A perfect 32-0 run in college bowl games would be sweet. But I'd settle for some absurd six-month run where I'm picking winners almost by accident and cashing in on a daily basis. Fluke occurrences like blocked field goals returned for a touchdown or winning four games in one weekend by a half-point would be nice. I'd like just one monster rush that I could someday tell the grandkids about. I'll spend the whole time smoking joints rolled in $100 bills and bathing in Cristal with seven Thai hookers while watching Chicago win the Super Bowl 100-0. It will be beautiful, and everyone will cash in on my magical picks.
I would like for Florida to beat Ohio State and for Michigan to demolish USC.
This would be fun just because of the commotion and uproar that it would cause about the BCS system. Well, this may seem like I have malicious intent but I also want this so both Florida fans and Michigan fans can feel like they're champions. Oh, and I hope they both cover the number as well.
I would like Good Will on earth and Peace for all mankind.
I'm not a completely self-absorbed jerk.
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