Hypothetical Super Bowl Bets I'd Love To Make
by Trevor Whenham - 02/02/2007
With so many different prop bets available on the Super Bowl, you would think that you could bet on pretty much anything you could possibly think of. Though there is a mind-numbing variety out there, there are some things that just aren't covered. I'm not playing a lot of props for the Super Bowl, but I might actually start thinking about it if the right bets were out there. And what are those bets? Well, here are ten bets I wish I could make:
Which will be more - Peyton Manning's completed passes in the Super Bowl or the number of times I will see Peyton Manning in a commercial between now and the start of the Super Bowl? This would be an absolute lock. I don't care if it was only -700, I would still take the commercials. Heck, I would take the commercials even if they were up against the number of passing yards Manning gets in the game. Is there a single commercial on TV that Manning isn't in?
Adjusted Game Point Spread - Indianapolis +55. I know that it would pay almost nothing, but it's a bet that I almost certainly couldn't lose, and after the butt-kicking I took in the BCS Championship, I really need at least one bet that I am sure to win. My big game confidence needs a boost.
Over/Under - Number of times we see Archie Manning during the game. I'm taking the over, and I really don't care what the number is. We are going to see Daddy Manning more than we have seen anyone else ever before. More, even, than we saw Brenda Warner or Donovan's mom. I would also take the over on the number of times we see Eli, and the number of times that we'll hear about Cooper's life outside of football.
Over/Under - Number of commercials starring animals. To properly handicap this one all you have to do is figure out how many commercials there are going to be, and then subtract three from that number. Animals are cute, everyone loves them, and you don't have to pay them nearly as much as people, so they will continue to keep showing up more and more in the commercials. The more interesting bet would be what type of animal makes its debut. We've seen hundreds of horses, lots of iguanas, and dogs of every kind, so we need something new and interesting. My longshot bet is on a chinchilla.
Over/Under - Number of commercials for which you will remember the product it was advertising the next day. When you're around the water cooler on Monday morning chances are you'll talk about the commercials. You'll know which ones were funny, you'll remember all of the punch lines, but for most of them you will have no idea what it was exactly that they were trying to sell you. If in doubt, though, you can just assume that it was a Budweiser commercial - they all are.
Over/Under - Number of references to 'wardrobe malfunctions' in the minutes leading up to Prince's halftime show. You can't accuse commentators of being original, so you know that they are going to make countless jokes about the whole Janet Jackson thing as the first half draws to an end. None of the jokes will be funny, mind you, but that has never stopped a commentator from making a joke before. I'd probably take the over, but what I'll truly be hoping for is that there really is no malfunction, because there is no part of Prince that I need to see disrobed.
Over/Under - the square footage of the flag on the field for the national anthem. It used to be that they would have a soldier or two carry a regular flag and that would be it. The flags began to grow a bit each year, and now the last few years the flag has been so big that it covers the entire field. Soon, someone will come up with a flag so big that it covers the entire host city. It'll be so big that it will block out the sun entirely - a flag eclipse.
Over/Under - New and fresh ideas presented in the pre-game show. Way, way under. It's Thursday as I write this and I am pretty sure that the pre-game show has already started. Despite the fact that the show will be 80 hours long, will feature 35 experts with 95 combined Super Bowl rings, and will have a massive budget and every useless bit of technology you could possibly want, there will not be a single new or interesting concept put forth. Not one. We will hear the phrases 'monkey off his back' and '0.0 passer rating' about 85 times each, though.
Over/Under - Number of references to the friendship of the coaches. I don't know if you have heard this yet, but Chicago's Lovie Smith and Indianapolis' Tony Dungy are friends. Good friends. They have been for a long time. Chances are you'll hear all about it on Sunday. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that we hear about it at least 64 times. I already know more about their relationship than I do about any of my own, and it will only get worse. Also, despite the fact that television is a visual medium, and neither man makes any efforts to hide the truth, we will also hear at least 52 times that both men are black.
Which will come first - the halftime show or the naming of the Super Bowl MVP? I'll take the MVP. Have you noticed how they name the winner earlier and earlier every year. Last year the fourth quarter had barely started and they already told us that Hines Ward had won it. Apparently no player does anything valuable in the last ten minutes of the game. This year it could be even earlier because everyone in the world is dying to give it to Manning. They might just give it to him in the pre-game show. He probably doesn't even have to win the game to win the award. Heck, even if Jim Sorgi took most of the snaps in the game Manning would still probably win the award. And no, I am not for a second suggesting that Sorgi is going to see most of the snaps. Or even one. Does he even know how to take a snap?