NFL Season Predictions: Top Ten List
by Christopher G. Shepard - 09/04/2007
NFL season predictions are like noses, everyone has one. While most prognosticators are concerned with 'totals', conference and division championships, player propositions, and who will win the Big Game, I am more concerned with what John Madden calls the "intangibles" that make an NFL Season.
The following is my Top 10 NFL Season prediction list for the upcoming NFL season from the home office in Watertown, Massachusetts.
10. Depends upon the RB you picked as the No.1 overall in your fantasy draft. But you can take it to the bank that the player will cost you cubicle bragging rights when he a) tears an ACL/MCL in the second game and has season ending surgery b) tests positive for HGH and is suspended for four games c) pistol whips a strip club bouncer and is suspended for four games for behavior unbecoming a professional football player. d) finds Jesus and decides to devote his life to the teaching of Christ rather than the football styling's of Norv Turner.
9. Due to falling ratings, games that end past midnight on the east coast, and to improve the dynamic between ESPN Monday Night Football trio of Ron "Jaws" Jaworski, Tony Kornheiser, and Mike Tirico, producers return to the winning four announcer format that MNF had from 1979-1983 and add MNF veteran OJ Simpson as a "color" announcer while he is on hiatus from looking for Nicole's killers.
8. Suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Make it Rain" Pacman Jones will keep busy participating in a Total Nonstop Action Wrestling show, ironically known in the biz as 'TNA', where he will eschew his Pacman moniker for his alter-strip-club-ego, "Rainman."
7. Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress once again cancels the annual boat trip. In a related story Childress flips a coin to decide his starting QB and Tarvaris Jackson beats out Brooks Bollinger for the starting QB position. Tarvaris throws three interceptions in his first game. With games against seven playoff teams this season Bet under 6.5 total season wins at +115.
6. Terrell Owens will make it through the entire season without attempting suicide. However, when he fails to get the ball enough, score 20 TDs, and break the all-time receiving yards and catches record in one season, in an interview with Playboy magazine you know who he'll go after? When Owens is asked if he thinks Dallas QB, and ex-Carrie Underwood flame, Tony Romo, is gay, Owens will respond: "Like my boy tells me: 'If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat.' "
5. Regardless of John Kitna's asinine prediction of winning 10 games this season, and having gone 24-72 since Matt Millen took over as team president of the Detroit Lions, second year Head Coach Rod Marinelli (3-13) will decide to take matters in his own hands, ignore Millen's advice, and draft a Wide Receiver in the 2008 NFL Draft.
4. Brett Favre will still look older than he is as he breaks the all-time mark for TD passes (he needs seven) and passing yards (he needs 3,862) and victories by a QB (he needs two). While it is likely that Favre will bust all three records this year it will be rookie James Jones, the San Jose St. phenom, that wins hearts in the Frozen Tundra, and posts better numbers that that other rookie in Detroit. Calvin who?
3. Steelers' Rookie Head Coach Mike Tomlin will try to open up the Steelers often-stodgy offensive approach by unleashing his secret weapon - a fourth round punter out of Baylor, Daniel Sepulveda. In related news, QB Ben Roethlisberger will try to rebound from last year's disastrous season by wearing his baseball cap forward this season.
2. While Bill Walsh's ghost will no longer appear in cheesy beer fueled faux press conferences, the 49ers will return to past glory and somehow, have a magical season that takes them to the silver UFO otherwise known as UoP Stadium where they will lose in dramatic fashion to the New England Patriots. In a related story Randy Moss won't catch a TD in the Big Game but he will be cited for abusing a Phoenix meter maid.
1. The half-time show at the Big Dance in Phoenix, AZ will not feature Michael Vick's PETA sponsored Bad Newz Kennels' canine euthanasia Power Point demonstration with Clinton Portis as the MC.