2007 NFL Draft Predictions
by Robert Ferringo - 03/27/2007
I think the only thing harder than making selections in the 2007 NFL Draft is trying to make 2007 NFL Draft predictions. Making predictions on the NFL's annual meat market is nearly impossible without some inside information or a terrific sense of smell (for the B.S.). And even then it's hard to do with any sense of certainty or conviction.
However, I have one 2007 NFL Draft prediction that, while I know will never happen, is one that I'll toss out there in the hopes that someone realizes its genius and immediately begins lobbying to see it put into action. My prediction for the NFL Draft - which will take place in New York City on April 28-29 - revolves entirely around the Miss USA pageant.
If you want a sad commentary about where our nation has come and where its headed you need to look no further than the Miss USA pageant, which was held last Friday in Los Angeles. The best word I could use to explain the experience - which I shared with my wife during commercials of the USC-UNC game - was Surreal.
On the panel to select our nation's supreme representative of the female form were Vince Young and Jerry Springer. (Apparently Judge Reinhold had a previous engagement.) The girls were all high-polished plastic with helium heads, rounded up from community colleges and Hooters across the country. The woman that these girls were trying their hardest to emulate was our former Miss USA, Tara Conner, who was fresh out of rehab. The cherry on top was the fact that we had a guy with a British accent emceeing next to a pregnant lady, with Donald Trump footing the bill for the whole twisted circus.
Amidst the unintentional comedy and horror of the event it hit me - this is what the NFL Draft should model itself after! We should have a panel of D-list "experts", people who have no idea of football's strategy and violence in the way that Springer has no idea about class and style. Tom Sizemore, Barbara Boxer and Jake "The Snake" Roberts immediately come to mind. We should have them judge the players based on their combine numbers, game tapes and of course the interview (Mr. Russell, what do you think about global warming?). Then, instead of having the teams pick which player they want we would have the panel assign them to each organization. This would go on for the entire first round, and then teams would get to start choosing players the traditional way in Round 2.
Think of it. Could any panel do a worse job of selecting a top pick than Matt Millen, Al Davis or the Cleveland Browns and New York Jets? I say no. Think of the intensity and the intrigue of each team having no idea - and no influence - over who their next Savior will be? And what about the glut of blue chips that could be left over at the start of the second round; players that the judges deemed, for one reason or another, wanting?
I, for one, am all for it. And I couldn't think of a better way to jazz up an otherwise overblown, overhyped, oversold weekend of football minutia and logistics. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is a frequent visitor of the site, so hopefully he reads this and puts me in charge of setting up next year's draft.
Here are some other wild and baseless 2007 NFL Draft predictions:
1. Brady Quinn and Adrian Peterson will go way too early.
I know, I know - this NFL draft prediction is pure blasphemy. Well, maybe it's just me, but I'm a little wary about overrated pretty boy quarterbacks that have a 13-15 record against college teams that finished the year with a winning mark. And let's not forget about those pathetic bowl showings.
Also, since two-back systems are the newest fad in the NFL I would be real hesitant about using a Top 5 selection on a talented, yet injury prone, running back that's had three surgeries in three years. But I'm sure Cleveland and Detroit will oblige us by being Cleveland and Detroit and take these two Red Flag selections in the Top Three.
2. Analysts will support our troops - by trivializing their jobs.
The folks covering this pretty harmless and meaningless draft will toss around the phrase "War Room" and a dozen other combat references indiscriminately. No big deal, right? But do you remember after 9/11 how it was chic for sportswriters and reporters to chastise the use of war terminology when describing athletics? Clearly, being war-conscious is so 2003.
There will be talk of bombs and warriors and field generals this April as if nothing ever happened. Now, I don't really have that big of a problem with it - except I wasn't one of those sanctimonious, hypocritical jerk offs that was trying to sound socially conscious and deep after the war began.
3. Berman will be an inspiration.
The sight of a heavy breathing, overweight Chris Berman sweating profusely for 18 hours over the weekend will inspire dozens of Americans to start eating right and partaking in a workout program.
4. The hypocrisy will be in full effect.
Everyone will climb on their soapbox to denounce the fact that NFL players are sociopathic animals that have a difficult time functioning within the confines of Normal Society. They'll all chastise and criticize Pac-Man Jones, who is quickly becoming the Artest-like poster boy for Bad Behavior for the NFL, even though the man has been convicted of zero felonies. In fact, Jones has a less of a record than either Michael Irvin or Rush Limbaugh, both of whom have collected a paycheck from the Worldwide Wieners.
For the record: I'm not defending Pac Man. I'm sure he's a thug and/or a scumbag who isn't smart enough to stay out of trouble. But he hasn't been convicted of anything, so how can people be wringing their hands and clamoring for suspensions to punish a guy who, while he isn't squeaky clean, hasn't done anything?
What's worse is that there's no way in hell that anyone on ESPN or the NFL Network will spend 10 seconds talking about the fact that Tom Brady has one illegitimate child on the way - and almost had two. I'm not knocking Brady, who nearly impregnated two of the hottest girls on the planet, but don't you think that his bizarre twist of fate - his ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan is pregnant while his current girlfriend Gisele Bundchen was thought to be - could have an impact on Everybody's All-American during the 2007-08 season? Isn't that newsworthy? But it's easier to just toss out Pac Man's indiscretions and wonder how it will affect his team.
(Oh, and before anyone wants to play the Race Card I'd just like to point out that the NFL and ESPN buried the Ron Mexico-Herpes Story a couple years ago and haven't nearly made as big a deal about his blatant lying over the whole Water Bottle Incident.)
5. Here are a few totals odds for you:
Over/Under on words of English spoken by Michael Irvin: 185
Over/Under on times Mel Kiper Jr. says "depth": 178
Over/Under on times Mel Kiper Jr. says "value": 893
Over/Under on times Mel Kiper Jr. says "upside": 5,426
Over/Under on time someone mentions "off-field issues": 382
Over/Under on mentions of the fact that Brady Quinn never beat anyone in college: 0
Over/Under on uncomfortable, stammering moments featuring ESPN's guest NFL analysts: 38
Over/Under on times my wife looks at me with complete and utter disdain as I watch the entire draft: 47
Over/Under on Nutrisystem commercials: 3,791
Over/Under on Cooper Manning sightings and/or references: 0.5
Over Under on Laura Quinn (now Laura Hawk) money shots: 1.5
I'll be looking to turn the Mel Kiper Jr. portion of these totals into a drinking game. Any time he says one of the magic three words you take a drink. I bet you're puking by pick No. 18.
6. Amobi Okoye's post-draft party is going to suck.
The 19-year old defensive tackle is likely going to be one of the first 20 players picked. But he's only 19 - which means that he can't even get into a decent strip club, much less go out on an alcohol-fueled bender to celebrate like any normal draftee would. Can you see the other guys in the green room snubbing him like the smelly, poor kid in fourth grade that tried to invite them to a birthday party?
Calvin Johnson: "Um, sorry Amobi, I gotta, um, um, I gotta get back to the hotel room and get some rest. I gotta, um, um, fly out tomorrow. Yeah, that's it. I gotta leave early tomorrow so I can't do anything tonight."
Okoye: "Aw, c'mon guys. I got a clown and a pony."
Brady Quinn: "Hey Cal, we're heading over to Privilege. You coming? JaMarcus has a hot tub in his limo filled with Cristal and six Brazilian hookers."
Johnson: "Sweet. I'm in."
Okoye: "Wait, I thought you couldn't come out. Wait. Guys. C'mon…"
Questions or comments for Robert? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or check out his Insider Page here.