Ferringo NFL Report: "Borat Like the Football"
by Robert Ferringo - 11/15/2006
If you haven't seen the new Borat movie this is all I'm going to say - you need to. I was a huge fan of "The Ali G Show" and Borat was a huge highlight (though Ali G's interviews were still the best part of the show). The man is an icon at the moment, so for my Ferringo Report on Week 10 I thought I'd break down the NFL action through the eyes of everyone's favorite Kahzikstani.
Here are a few scattered, random thoughts from a truly mind-bending Week 10. Each is accompanied by a Borat quote from "The Ali G Show" with just one quote from "Borat: Cultural Leanings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan". Enjoy:
"In Kazakhstan we have many hobbies: disco dancing, archery, rape and table tennis." Another hobby should become betting on underdogs.
Clearly the story of the weekend was the success of the puppies, which posted a 10-6 mark against the spread. I believe this was the crescendo of a rising trend over the past four weeks. Entering Week 10, favorites were just 20-20 straight up in the three weeks prior. But after the dogs impressive run last Sunday the chalk is a pathetic 22-35 ATS over the past four NFL weekends.
"I am very strong physique and I can hold a very large woman down for 3 hours...I am strong, I can throw rock at a gypsy from 15 meters. 10 meter if I am chained up."
The AFC is absolutely dominating the NFC now, holding them down with a 9-2 ATS mark over the past three weekends. This is important to keep in mind given that there are eight interconference games in Week 11.
Last week the AFC was 2-0 SU and ATS (Cleveland, Pittsburgh) against their counterparts. But what should be troubling for the NFC is that it was two of the lesser teams from the AFC that beat two of the "better" teams in the NFC. When the other conference's doormats are beating your potential playoff teams that's ridiculous.
"If you vote for him he will make sure you and your family have a good years. If you do not…you will be sorry."
This just in: Bill Belichick is a prick. Oh wait, everyone but Dan Patrick already knew that. That's what I mean about ESPN being really childish in some of their "big" topics. They just manufacture controversy - like the recent Bob Knight situation.
What's more disconcerting is the apparent shakiness of the Patriots. I know two things about that game:
No. 1 - New England is not the same team without Rodney Harrison. He's the Brady of that defense.
No. 2 - I'm looking for a huge letdown by the Jets this week against Chicago. They prepped for two weeks and had a lot of revenge to factor into that game at New England. That was their in-season Super Bowl.
"Every Englishman must have a hobby. Some like to collect the stamp, some like to make the jam, but the most fun is to a kill a little animal with a shotgun or rip them up with wild dog."
That hobby sounds almost as much fun as watching that Bears game with a bunch of rowdy, mouthy Giants fans. They were all over me for the first half when Rex Grossman looked like a poor man's Mike Tomczak. It truly amazes me how Grossman can look so good and so bad from week to week, and from series to series. Baffling.
But the Bears tore apart the wounded animal that was the New York Giants, outscoring them 35-7 in the last 32 minutes of the game. The depleted Giants are in a tough spot, and one of the reasons I didn't like them making the playoffs was their lack of depth.
The most costly injury in that game was the broken leg of Luke Pettitgout. The two most important non-scoring plays of the second half were the two fumbles that Alex Brown forced (one recovered by Chicago, the other set up that fateful 52-yard field goal attempt) because the ancient Bob Whitfield couldn't keep up with him.
"I hope you kill every man, woman and child in Iraq, down to the lizards. And may George W. Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq."
The City of Atlanta loves George Bush, so this is fitting. Also, Falcons fans are ready to drink the blood over everyone in the Atlanta organization if the team continues on another late-season collapse.
The first one to be strung up is Greg Knapp, who probably has one of the hardest coordinator jobs in the NFL. Next on the list is Jim Mora and after that, believe it or not, is Mike Vick.
The loss of Patrick Kearney certainly doesn't help the situation. That defense is just absolutely devastated right now in the secondary and in the front seven. They may actually be worse than the Bengals defense right now.
"Why don't you put wife in cage? They escape if you do not."
The absolute funniest thing I heard all last week involved Charlie Sheen's former wife, Denise Richards. Denise was being stalked by the paparazzi in a suburb of Vancouver while filming a new movie. She apparently lost her mind and threw a photographer's laptop over a balcony and it struck an 80-year-old woman in a wheelchair!!! Talk about worst-case scenario!
"Mow the fucking bucks!"
Carolina's offensive line is absolutely atrocious and will get mowed down by any decent defense. In their next seven games they face defenses in the top ten in sacks, and two others (St. Louis and Washington) that are capable of pressure. I think Carolina can make the playoffs, but this is by no means a very good team.
This one is from the Marty Morningweg School of Game Management:
The Lions were down six points with 2:41 left to play. They had two timeouts and the two-minute warning, and faced a fourth-and-13 at the San Fran 19-yard line. Had it been a fourth-and-short I could see going for it. But not fourth-and-13. The smart play is kick the field goal and then kickoff. Hopefully your defense can stop the juggernaut 49ers offense and you can get the ball back with just under two minutes to play needing only a field goal to tie.
Nope. Rod Marinelli went for it and lost. Oh, and the Lions didn't stop them on the ensuing drive. You gotta love Lions Football.
"He will say many things. But that is because he is a liar."
Is there anyone out there that has any confidence in instant replay right now? I feel like there have been three times as many blown replay calls this season as there have ever been. I like having it around because it gives officials the ability to overturn egregious errors. However, the refs are wrong soooooooooooooo much more then they want to admit and that's a natural flaw in the system. I don't know what they're seeing out there, but they are way off on a lot of replayed calls.
"Is nice…is a good, but I have…seen bigger."
The 16 NFL games played last week were decided by a total of 121 points. That's means the average margin of victory in Week 10 was just 7.6 points. That's the lowest of the year, and also an illustration of why seven is such a key number.
"In Kazakhstan we say man who has never killed a man is like man with no khram."
Over the past two weekends, double-digit underdogs are 9-4 ATS. That's comes after they had been just 11-15 ATS heading into Week 9.
"America national sport is called baseballs. It very similar to our sport, shurik, where we take dogs, shoot them in a field and then have a party."
This year has the potential to be the sloppiest season of football from a turnover standpoint in the last five years. I say the last five just because that's as far back as I had the time to check, but I have a feeling it could be witness the greatest amount of turnovers ever.
Thus far in the season there have been a total of 492 turnovers in 128 games. That doesn't count turnovers on downs or blocked kicks, and it's an average of 3.84 turnovers (fumbles and interceptions) per game. This comes after three straight seasons in which turnover had actually declined from 910 in 240 games in 2003 (3.79 per game), to 902 in 240 games in 2004 (3.76 per game), to 895 in 240 games in 2005 (3.73 per game).
"To the world, I love you! Apart from Uzbekistan. Assholes."
The St. Louis Rams are my Uzbekistan. And if I make it to Heaven one of the first questions I'm going to ask is how many days, weeks, and/or years of my life were lost simply from the stress of betting on them.
Seattle had just 20 total yards in the second half prior to their final drive. Twenty. They actually beat the Rams by gaining 49 yards in the entire second half. Amazing.
What people don't realize is that Richie Incognito, who may go to the Pro Bowl this year, actually blew the game for the Rams. First, he was called for a stupid 15-yard penalty after Steven Jackson's touchdown put the Rams ahead. The TD counted, but it forced St. Louis to kickoff from 15 yards deeper. In a game that would come down to a field goal, those 15 yards were huge. But also, the Rams actually converted their two-point conversion after Jackson's score but Incognito was flagged for a hold on the play, which took those points off the board.
"And Gypsies, can they play or is best to keep them away?"
I have to apologize for my NFL Total of the Month. I'll blame the gypsies for the loss.
It was the 'under' in the Baltimore-Tennessee game. In the last 15 meetings these teams were 4-11 against the number and averaged a combined 31 points. Also, their last five head-to-head games had witnessed just an average of 33 points.
So what happens? First, Ray Lewis is benched because of his back. That hurt. Then Vince Young decided to play like a young Steve McNair and Travis Henry channeled the spirit of Earl Campbell. Oh, and the Real McNair taking a safety and then the Titans getting a touchdown after they missed a field goal (an offsides penalty kept the drive going) didn't help either.
In the second half of that game there were just 10 total points scored. That's what I expected for the entire game - just like the Rutgers game. But that's why it's called gambling.
"This one I have to pay money for, but she worth it! Wow wow wee waa!"
I wish Andy Reid had two weeks to prepare for ever game. He's now 8-2 ATS after a bye.
"Hey vanilla face, me and my boys want to post up."
I love ESPN's new commercial for ESPN the Magazine. How much subliminal racism and hackneyed stereotypes can you cram in one thirty-second spot? The "athlete" in the commercial is black and aggressive. The "agent" is white and a liar. And the "owner" is white and overweight.
If you haven't seen the commercial, you will. It's the one where three guys are in an office "negotiating" a fake contract.
"You remind me my wife…why you laugh? She dead."
His first wife is as dead as the Bengals playoff hopes. OK, that might be a stretch but this team is awful and still faces a brutal schedule.
You can't blame Chris Henry for the Bengals loss on Sunday. Especially not when the defense gave up 187 points in the second half. But that dropped pass in the end zone when the Bengals were trying to tie the game can definitely be attributed to his character. A guy who is completely focused on football, on winning, and on The Team makes that catch. A punk who is mailing it in on the field when he's not getting arrested off it doesn't make that grab.
Questions or comments for Robert? E-mail him at Robert@docsports.com. You can also purchase his picks here.